SPEAKING FROM THE HEART

March 16, 2014

When I was  younger I spent a lot of time trying to find the hidden key that would unlock my subconscious and take way my peculiar thoughts and behaviors.  Then  I discovered I had a chemical imbalance.  Low and behold,  there were  no subconscious thoughts that needed to be discovered and worked out (I am not a big fan of old Freud, I should add).  It was a chemical imbalance in my brain (serotonin)  that was either not produced enough or produced too much, I forget at the moment.  Either way, I can not express how freeing it was.  Here I spent years wondering what the f*** was wrong with me to discover that it was an imbalance.  I was 31 yrs old when I learned about OCD.  I learned that other's had it and that there were even ways to manage it (medication/CBT).

I recall the first time I read the book "The Boy Who Could Not Stop Washing" referred by the therapist I was working with.  I sat on my bed and cried out of relief. That knowledge changed my life.  It changed how I viewed myself.  I didn't view myself as an oddity any longer because I had an illness.  A real illness that was treatable.

When I decided to become a therapist myself years later it was with the belief that I could educate and support others so that they did not have through years of uncertainty as I had.  I love what I do (sorry mom and dad, I know you were hoping I would become an attorney).  I hope in my modest way that I do make a difference for others.  I don't often get to see the results of what I do, and honestly that's okay.  I have met so many people through my work and have learned more about courage and strength then I ever imagined was possible.  The blog was my way of sharing that wisdom with others.  Though when I think about it now I think it was as much for me as it was for the "others" I was hoping to inspire.  After all writing is therapeutic.

I am writing this because I think that when you work in this field for awhile as I have,  it is easy to become complacent and think you know know it all.  Last week I met someone who really touched my heart and reminded me of why I do what I do.  She also reminded me that my work is more than just sharing little inspirational blogs.

So speaking from the heart, as my daughter reminded me to do the other day, I want to express my gratitude to the clients who I have gotten to know and work with all these years.  I have learned more about life and courage through you and have become a better person because of you.  I hope that I will continue to carry this knowledge and not lose sight of why I became a therapist in the first place.

Thank You,

Pam

RESILIENCY

March 1, 2014



RESILIENCY

When I began this post, I initially began to research resilience definitions and what articles considered to be the traits of a resilient person.  From there I got stuck.  Why repeat what other articles have already pointed out.  Is seems redundant somehow.  I also received some good feedback from my daughter who noted that although what I have written in some of my posts are good, but, they have been said before.  She suggested i speak a little more like who really I am, blunt and passionate.  Speak from the heart.

I used to think that living with a chemical imbalance made me unique. though what  I have worked with hundreds of clients and I have listened to stories that make some lifetime movies appear docile.  Due to confidentiality I can not share those stories here.  But the strength and tenacity that some of my client's have displayed in their lives astounds me. 

However, what I know best is myself.  I could have given up on myself numerous times.  Point in fact, I once told a therapist who I was working with after I separated from my daughter's father, that I thought it might be nice to go to a psychiatric hospital to have someone take care of me for once. He laughed (chuckled actually) and informed me that after I worked with him I was going to look back on that statement and laugh (yeah, I did, eventually). I was tired, really tired.  It's hard enough to try and survive in a world that demands you pay bills, debts, and have a full time job (or two) in order to do just that. Let's not even discuss having a social or love life.  Then throw in a chemical imbalance for fun to mix things up a little. 



Yet, here I am nine years later, working a full time job, paying bills (I even caught up on a few debts), and actually enjoying myself sometimes.  I can honestly say that I like the person I have become.  It took a long time to get there and that's not to say that I won't experience other stumbling blocks in the future.  But I have something I like to call resilience.......

A MOTHER'S WORDS OF WISDOM TO HER DAUGHTER: MOMISMS

1. Never shave your chin hair when you have the flu(if you are a woman): Do not take the easy way out.

2. If you find a good hairdresser, stick with them: If you find someone you work well with, hell, stick with them.

3. Always have an animal of some sort in your life: They are very nurturing.

4. Yes, it is nice to have good credit, but it is not the most important thing in the scheme of life.  How many grave stones have you read that said " She had good credit."

5. Be sure to like the person you are. After all, people will come and go in your life but you are always with you.

6. Do not feel like you have to be in a relationship so you will not "die alone."  After all, we almost always do.

7. Take the time to try and enjoy something about each day. Life is indeed what we make it.  We may not always be able to control what happens in our lives but we can choose how we react.

THANK YOU MR ROBERT CARLYLE

Thank You Mr. Robert Carlyle

Christmas Eve 2013

I admit to feeling overly sentimental tonight.  For the past week my father has been in the hospital. There are two conflicting opinions on what might be wrong with him.  One diagnosis is less serious then the other and my father’s cardiologist is on vacation until next week.  However, for now my father is in good hands and stable which is the important thing.   So that being said,  the pending Christmas festivities have been put on  hold.  My mother, emotionally drained  just wanted to go home and get some rest tonight.  My sister is with her new husband’s family up north.  My daughter spends Christmas Eve with her father every year.

So the prospect of spending Christmas Eve alone tonight seemed dismal.  I realize tonight is really just another day but it signifies family togetherness.  So after the family called and texted one another best holiday wishes and I dropped my daughter off at her dad’s and extended more good holiday wishes, I reckoned I had to make some decisions for myself.  The way I figured it I had two options.  The first option was to return home, lament about absence of family and friends on the holiday and remind myself of all I a missing.  The second option was to figure out how to make the best out of this evening by reminding  myself to appreciate all the things I do have.  Then find some healthy distractions and look forward to a relaxing evening with my furry companions. 

I have a few ways to relax when feeling troubled, I read, I sing (fortunately for my neighbors I have a good voice if I do say so myself, and I do),  and I also enjoy movies and television. I love theater as well but not an option tonight.  So, first  I stopped off at Barnes and Nobles and bought a book.  Next, I stopped and picked up some pad thai. However, once I got home I realized I did not want to read.  Ever have one of those times when you read the same line over and over but your mind is somewhere else? This was one of those times.  Even after a full stomach of pad thai I found my mind creeping towards melancholy. 

So this is the part where Mr. Carlyle comes in.  Last summer my teenager introduced me to the show “Once Upon a Time.”  I sat down with my daughter one evening as she was watching and found myself gripped.   I was especially captivated by the character of Rumpelstiltskin.  The actor playing the part was absolutely amazing.  Needless to say I have been watching the show ever since.  One night my curiosity got the best of me and I decided I needed to find out just who that actor was who plays the part of Rumpelstiltskin. After an internet search, I discovered the part was played by a Scottish actor, Robert Carlyle. I had been meaning to watch some of his films but had not yet had the occasion to do so.  Well, tonight seemed like the perfect night to do just that.  I discovered Mr. Carlyle is indeed a gifted and versatile actor.  

Initially, I thought tonight was going to be a tough evening to get through. Instead it was entertaining and enjoyable.  True,  problems don’t necessarily disappear because of watching a movie or two, but for a few blessed hours I forgot about problems and enjoyed.   Additionally, one does not have to suffer the damaging after effects of chemical induced alternatives.   

So thank you again Mr. Carlyle, for sharing your wonderful talent.  I really can't even begin to tell you what a difference it made for me this evening.

IS THERE A PURPOSE TO LIFE?

Is there a Purpose in Life?

Is Life about the Journey or the Destination?

In one of my groups a few weeks ago, a client was struggling to figure out her purpose in life. She commented that she knew she has some purpose because she has survived many incidences and was still alive.  However, she could not seem to grasp just what that purpose might be.  Later, I began to consider this question.

Personally, I have never really considered what purpose my life serves to others, except maybe to my daughter and family.  In being a therapist I would like to think that my clients gain something from working with me.   Many years ago, a former supervisor once stated to me that her goal as a therapist/counselor/social worker/clinician, etc…was that if someone felt more hopeful after talking with her she did her job.  I guess that is they way I have always thought of my work.  Clients come in to talk to me because they want to make some change in their lives and help improve the quality of it.  If someone feels better after talking to me than I feel I have done my job.

When I was a young adult I worked with a social worker from JFCS due to my “odd” behaviors.   In those days chemical imbalances were not so easily diagnosed and no one (including the social worker) ever mentioned that maybe my symptoms might be caused by conditions known as OCD and Tourettes (that came 10 yrs later).  However, although my therapist did not identify the actual causes of my issues, I did feel  much better after talking to her.   I felt less “crazy," more accepted, not so alone in the world.   I felt like those fleeting thoughts of hopelessness, were just that, fleeting thoughts. Perhaps, along with my own tenaciousness, one of the reasons I am still here, able to write this, is because she inspired some hope for me. That, is the true reason I chose the field I work in.  I know what it is like to experience the confusion and isolation that sometimes comes with mental illness. 

Most of the time I don’t ever see the results of  my work.  People come and share their storis with me and then eventually move on with  their lives.  Every once in a while a former client might stop by to thank me for the support and encouragement I provided but that rarely happens.  Honestly, that is fine by me. I don’t need to see the end results I just love working with my clients.  

The other role in my life is raising my daughter.  I strive to let her know she is loved and hopefully I support her in the way she needs, so she can discover her own adventures.   I enjoy being a parent and watching my daughter grow up into a remarkable young woman.  I often tell her that I not only love her but I admire and respect the person she is growing up to be.   Being a parent is amazing.   My daughter’s father  once commented to me that one can not describe what it is to love a child you simply have to live it.  He was right. 

I think life is a discovery.  Sometimes we do not like what we find.  Other times our discoveries illuminate the course we decide to travel.  Existence is like melody always changing never stopping.  

So, is life about the journey or the destination?  Perhaps it is both.

FRIENDSHIP

“I think if I've learned anything about friendship, it's to hang in, stay connected, fight for them, and let them fight for you. Don't walk away, don't be distracted, don't be too busy or tired, don't take them for granted. Friends are part of the glue that holds life and faith together. Powerful stuff.” 
― Jon Katz




     A few months ago I facilitated a group on the importance of friendships in enriching our lives and improving our emotional and mental health. What I realized later is that I do not always practice what I preach.  Here I was explaining to my clients that friendships increase our sense of belonging and purpose, reduce stress, and help us cope with major changes in our lives such divorce or loss.  Yet my social life has been slim at best for the past few years.  Sure, I could tell myself that as a single parent it is easy to become consumed with day to day life such as going to work, making sure my daughter is healthy and happy, daily chores, and in my case caring for my menagerie of animals.  Or I can tell myself that I am too busy to have social life or I am happy to isolate on weekends because I spent my days at work surrounded by people.  I fill my time on weekends with my daughter, reading,watching television or movies (bless Netflix), chores, shopping, and sometimes walking outside (when not 115) for exercise.  So, I tell myself, "You have a full life, you don't really need a social life.  It's not like you stay home and isolate.  You are always out and about."

     Never-the-less, here I am with the dawning of understanding that even with my career and my "busy" life I am lacking one critical area in my own life, "socialization."  Although, it is true some people tend to be more social then others, as social animals it is important for us to have companionship.  In my late 20's and early 30's I was much more social.  I was not yet a parent and I was still searching for "mister someone right" to start a family with.  I worked for the Superior Court at that time (someone suggested that I work for the court to see if I liked the legal field. I didn't, that's why I am a therapist) and there were plenty of co workers and men in suits (I like a man in a suit). I flirted, dated, went out for karaoke nights. Yes, it was a one big whirlwind of fun.  Somewhere along the line I met my daughter's father (yes, he wears a suit) and my life changed.  It did not happen right away but slowly I began to see my friends less and less. We began to drift apart and eventually lost touch.  Again, it was easy to blame motherhood, my significant other, and my budding new career as an excuse for losing touch with friends, but that is really what it was, an excuse.

     The truth is somewhere along the line within that time period, a close friend hurt me by explaining to me that my Tourette symptoms bothered her and she felt that she could no longer spend time with me.  I pretended for a years that I was not bothered by that.  I used all the excused I mentioned above to explain away my waning desire for social activities and the wall I began to erect between myself and others. But in reality and with brutal honesty I admit, I was, or correction, I am scared.  Scared of what?  Well, it wasn't so much that I lost a friend it was the reason I lost a friend, my mental illness.  My dark, dirty little secret. I have a mental illness.  True, I work, I parent, I do all sorts of things but I still have a mental illness. Yes, it does affect me at times. I twitch, I make silly sounds when I am anxious, etc.  One of my former co workers explained to me," You are an acquired taste."  She went on to explain that she had "acquired a taste" to be my friend.  So my point, is it not always easy for me to make friends because of my "quirkiness."

Now it can be argued that we are all quirky in our own ways.  This is true, I believe.  That is why I call this blog "Define Normal" because who is to say what normal is.  So here is the challenge. Is it really my disorder that keeps me from getting back on the wagon so to speak or is it my perception of how I think other's perceive me as the barrier?  If I were to make an unbiased guess I would say the latter.  It's how I see myself that keeps me from seeking friendships. My friends did not leave me, I left them.  I stopped calling them and declined to spend time with them using the "I am so tired excuse."  Looking back I would say that I was less than a loyal friend myself.

     So, as I tell my clients it is up to us to make the first steps in making changes (if we really want them).  My first step is to get over myself and stop blaming my mental health issues on the choices I make. My second step is to choose something I enjoy (which I have) to participate in.  I love to sing and I have a terrific voice so I am joining a community choir that starts in January, 2014.  I am also making a conscious effort to stay in touch with those people I care about.  It is fairly easy today to send a simple "text" message to someone to let them know you are thinking about them. I also am trying to be there as a supportive friend myself.  Recently, a friend was having some medical and mental health issues and I made sure I kept in touch and to let her know I was there for her.

     True, I am an acquired taste. Some people have decided I am worth the effort to acquire a taste.  For that I am grateful.  However, I have also learned that friendship is a two way street and you have to give of yourself, and don't walk away, for friendship should not be taken for granted.
   

   

CHANGE IS INEVITABLE

 Tonight I am pondering change.  Some people seek it others try to avoid it.  Anyone who goes to a therapist is looking for some sort of change because something is not working in their lives and they want to fix it.  Often we are not even sure what type of change we are looking for.  Do you ever wonder why change can be so difficult for some of us while others thrive on it?  Well for one thing change can be pretty damn scary. Take addiction for instance.  Many substance abusers report that even though they want to improve their lives it is easier to make the same poor choices over and over because at least they know what to expect.  Even if the outcome is life threatening some would prefer this to the danger of the unknown.

Why do some people fear change so much?  Some of my past clients have shared that change is a risk. What type of risk?  The risk of failure. If you try to change and it goes awry then you  have failed to achieve your  goals. This can then lead to loss of hope which can lead to severe depression.  Thus, for some it is far easier to stay on they path of "least resistance" then travel the other one; you know the one less traveled.  So some people remain stuck for awhile until they come to a point where they either change something in their lives or take a chance on losing family, friends, or even their lives.  This might sound extreme but really for some change is so frightening that the mere thought of it can bring on panic.

In regards to myself, one might think that because I have OCD I would be one of those individuals who shudder at the thought of change.  Honestly, no so much.  I have come to the conclusion that change really is inevitable one way or another (I know no shit, right?).  I think the most challenging change I have experienced in my life is from being a couple with a child to a single parent.  It was comfortable living with someone even though the relationship was not necessarily healthy. Sure I told myself that I was staying in the relationship for my daughter or for financial reasons but in reality I was just scared of the change in lifestyle.     Initially it was a difficult adjustment for all of us.  My daughter had to get used to moving from mom one weekend and dad the other. I had to get used to living on my own and learning to live with myself.  Sure there was a brief period of time I felt panicked but I just kept on going.   I tried to focus on being there for my daughter so she can grow up feeling loved even if her parents were no longer together.  I did end up putting my personal life on hold for awhile but since I have my daughter, my animals, and a career I love I made it through that time of change.

The next major change I anticipate in my life is when my daughter goes to college in a couple of years.  You know that old empty nest syndrome.  It's coming for me.  Am I scared? Sure, a little.  I have spent the past 8 years as a single parent so yeah it frightens me a bit. So the way I see it I have to start making smaller changes so I can better manage the larger change. I, of course, am not taking into account at this juncture any unknown occurrences that might happen along the way.  To start I have made a decision to try and get my financial situation in order.  You know, such as the student loan, old debts I have ignored due to buying food and gas, and possibly put a small amount in savings. I am starting a new position next week (still a therapist).  The pay is better and it is closer to home so less gas expenditures. Today was my last day at my previous position.  It was difficult.  I worked there for almost four years and have made some close friends with my co workers.  It was also difficult to say good bye to my clients.  In the position I worked I spend 6 hrs a day 5 days a week with the clients. You tend to establish strong rapport that way.  The days were often long but they were never dull. I was honestly touched by how appreciative and thoughtful they were when the day finally ended and it was time for goodbye.

Sometimes I think life is like a book and when you complete one chapter another one begins.