FRIENDSHIP

“I think if I've learned anything about friendship, it's to hang in, stay connected, fight for them, and let them fight for you. Don't walk away, don't be distracted, don't be too busy or tired, don't take them for granted. Friends are part of the glue that holds life and faith together. Powerful stuff.” 
― Jon Katz




     A few months ago I facilitated a group on the importance of friendships in enriching our lives and improving our emotional and mental health. What I realized later is that I do not always practice what I preach.  Here I was explaining to my clients that friendships increase our sense of belonging and purpose, reduce stress, and help us cope with major changes in our lives such divorce or loss.  Yet my social life has been slim at best for the past few years.  Sure, I could tell myself that as a single parent it is easy to become consumed with day to day life such as going to work, making sure my daughter is healthy and happy, daily chores, and in my case caring for my menagerie of animals.  Or I can tell myself that I am too busy to have social life or I am happy to isolate on weekends because I spent my days at work surrounded by people.  I fill my time on weekends with my daughter, reading,watching television or movies (bless Netflix), chores, shopping, and sometimes walking outside (when not 115) for exercise.  So, I tell myself, "You have a full life, you don't really need a social life.  It's not like you stay home and isolate.  You are always out and about."

     Never-the-less, here I am with the dawning of understanding that even with my career and my "busy" life I am lacking one critical area in my own life, "socialization."  Although, it is true some people tend to be more social then others, as social animals it is important for us to have companionship.  In my late 20's and early 30's I was much more social.  I was not yet a parent and I was still searching for "mister someone right" to start a family with.  I worked for the Superior Court at that time (someone suggested that I work for the court to see if I liked the legal field. I didn't, that's why I am a therapist) and there were plenty of co workers and men in suits (I like a man in a suit). I flirted, dated, went out for karaoke nights. Yes, it was a one big whirlwind of fun.  Somewhere along the line I met my daughter's father (yes, he wears a suit) and my life changed.  It did not happen right away but slowly I began to see my friends less and less. We began to drift apart and eventually lost touch.  Again, it was easy to blame motherhood, my significant other, and my budding new career as an excuse for losing touch with friends, but that is really what it was, an excuse.

     The truth is somewhere along the line within that time period, a close friend hurt me by explaining to me that my Tourette symptoms bothered her and she felt that she could no longer spend time with me.  I pretended for a years that I was not bothered by that.  I used all the excused I mentioned above to explain away my waning desire for social activities and the wall I began to erect between myself and others. But in reality and with brutal honesty I admit, I was, or correction, I am scared.  Scared of what?  Well, it wasn't so much that I lost a friend it was the reason I lost a friend, my mental illness.  My dark, dirty little secret. I have a mental illness.  True, I work, I parent, I do all sorts of things but I still have a mental illness. Yes, it does affect me at times. I twitch, I make silly sounds when I am anxious, etc.  One of my former co workers explained to me," You are an acquired taste."  She went on to explain that she had "acquired a taste" to be my friend.  So my point, is it not always easy for me to make friends because of my "quirkiness."

Now it can be argued that we are all quirky in our own ways.  This is true, I believe.  That is why I call this blog "Define Normal" because who is to say what normal is.  So here is the challenge. Is it really my disorder that keeps me from getting back on the wagon so to speak or is it my perception of how I think other's perceive me as the barrier?  If I were to make an unbiased guess I would say the latter.  It's how I see myself that keeps me from seeking friendships. My friends did not leave me, I left them.  I stopped calling them and declined to spend time with them using the "I am so tired excuse."  Looking back I would say that I was less than a loyal friend myself.

     So, as I tell my clients it is up to us to make the first steps in making changes (if we really want them).  My first step is to get over myself and stop blaming my mental health issues on the choices I make. My second step is to choose something I enjoy (which I have) to participate in.  I love to sing and I have a terrific voice so I am joining a community choir that starts in January, 2014.  I am also making a conscious effort to stay in touch with those people I care about.  It is fairly easy today to send a simple "text" message to someone to let them know you are thinking about them. I also am trying to be there as a supportive friend myself.  Recently, a friend was having some medical and mental health issues and I made sure I kept in touch and to let her know I was there for her.

     True, I am an acquired taste. Some people have decided I am worth the effort to acquire a taste.  For that I am grateful.  However, I have also learned that friendship is a two way street and you have to give of yourself, and don't walk away, for friendship should not be taken for granted.