HOPE: # AlwaysKeepFighting

My daughter graduated from high school last week.  I watched proudly as she and approximately 640 seniors in her graduating class of 2015 received their diplomas that May evening.   However, there were two classmates who also graduated with diplomas but were not present to receive them.   One classmate died of leukemia earlier that year and the other took a gun to school and shot himself despite school staff pleading with him to stop, a week before his graduation.  I can not begin to imagine the grief and loss those two families are experiencing.  Two beloved children, one lost to a medical illness, the other lost to a another type of illness, invisible but no less deadly. 

According to the World Health Organization, 350 million people are affected by depression with an estimated 1 million deaths by suicide a year.  Those are staggering figures.  But this blog is not about statistics.   This blog is about those millions of individual experiencing symptoms of depression that fight on a daily basis sometimes moment to moment...to live.  I am a twitter junkie (for lack of a better term), and recently I came across a "hash tag" started by an actor who struggles with bouts of depression; #AlwaysKeepFighting.  

What an inspirational idea to help battle depression.  Too often people with depression feel isolated and alone.  They suffer in silence and at times even put on a "front" so as to not "burden" family and friends.  When what is really needed is to reach out for support from family, friends, professionals, and sometimes a support group, even social media.   I hear a lot of grumbling about the dangers of social media with bulling and threats, but there is also a positive side.  I am not in anyway saying that social media can replace professional support but if someone is feeling hopeless it might be a place to start.  The fact that a popular actor can reach out to friends and family, and his fans about his disorder, can give a "ray" of hope to someone who is not able to ask for help.

HOPE, is such a short word that says so much.  Hope is the belief that things will get better.  That the stress or pain you are feeling is temporary and will eventually pass.  It's the mind set that as long as you continue to fight and endure you have a chance that things will inevitably get better.  

Here are a few ways to help instill hope.   Remind yourself what you are grateful for.  Too often, people focus on what they have lost such as health, family, friends, income..etc.  They continue to live in the past rather then focusing on the present and what they do have.  Appreciate what you do have, daily. 

Also, think about the people in your life who love you.  Sometimes we feel alone even though we are really not.  We do not have to have significant others to be loved.  Family and friends are also sources of love.  Reach out to them, even if it is not to discuss you depression, sometimes talking to a loved one makes us feel just a little more hopeful.  

Another way to inspire hope is to do self care.  Do something nice for yourself, give yourself something to look forward to.  When I was an adolescent, I used to look forward to watching a favorite television show.  It was not much but it was enough to keep me going until that following day or week.  

It kept me fighting... so that decades later I could sit with other proud parents and watch my daughter receive her diploma.  

Don't give up hope. #AlwaysKeepFighting

Once Upon a Time, Be The Hero Of Your Own Story

One of my favorite shows is ABC's "Once Upon a Time."   For those who have never heard or seen the show, it is based on fairy tale characters from another land thrown into our world by a curse.   Each season the characters are challenged by pivotal situations that tie into a central theme.   Earlier this year the show emphasized the strength of family bonds.  The second half of the season is focusing on what traits constitute heroes and villains.  The writers presented back stories for the two main "villains" by showing how external forces and poor choices led them to become who they are today.  The two characters are not really "evil" but are not "model" citizens either.

Anyway, the whole hero vs villain theme started me pondering on heroism.  How do we define heroism? Can we be our own hero?  Stories tell us heroes take chances, they are said to be courageous, and are risk takers.  The news presents stories of someone running into a fire to save a life or creating a vaccine that cures an illness.

However,  in actuality,  heroism is much more simple.  Haven't we all tried something that we are unsure of?  For instance,  speaking in front of a crowd when you have social anxiety or going out on a date after your heart has been broken.   A child who turns his night light off for the first time is courageous. Isn't' that taking a chance?  Any time you take a risk you demonstrate courage.  So what’s stopping us from being the heroes of our own story.  Our reality is what we make of it.

We all have it within ourselves to become the heroes we strive to be. We can change how we interpret our past, how we view ourselves in response, and how we live today as a result.

Being the author of our own story allows us to see opportunities and become inspired by choices that come before us.  Our successes are a result of the choices we make.  We our the creative writers of our own life scripts and play the leading role.   No one else can live our lives for us.

So take credit for your achievements, acknowledge your strengths, and become your own hero.

Achieve Your Dreams and Goals Do Not Make Resolutions

In the New Year it seems like everyone makes resolutions;  lose weight, stop smoking, eat healthier, spend more time with family etc.....   Then what happens, one day you don't feel like going to the gym or you just have to have that doughnut that someone brought into the office.  You begin to slowly slide back into old patterns and before you know it you say to yourself, "The hell with this, I will quit next year."  Thus, the spiral continues..

Here is the thing,  I do not believe in making resolutions.   That is not to say I don't believe in making changes, I do, or I would not be working in the behavioral health field.   However, the danger in making resolutions is that they do not really have any substance.  They often are simply statements without any plan on how to follow through.   Change, real change, requires planned steps on how to make the change, putting supports in place, and plans if you slip so you do not completely give up.

Change requires passion.  Passion creates the motivation that drives us to do whatever or wherever we a trying to go or achieve.   So lets say someone decides to quit smoking because their wife/husband/doctor tells them they should.    If their heart is not really into it there is a strong chance that they will  not succeed in this endeavor.   However,  if someone decides to quit smoking because it effects their breathing when they do an activity that they love there is a stronger likely hood that this individual will follow through with their goal.   That is not to say that they might slip or slide backwards at times, but they are more likely to have a better outcome.  

So what are you passionate about?  Is there some dream you want to accomplish?  Do you want a career change? Do you desire to be healthier?   Consider it.  Is it feasible?  Is there a likely chance that you can achieve your desire or goal?  If so, take a small step, create a short term goal.  It might be that you need to do some research so research it.  Then make some more tiny steps.  Most of the time is a good idea to have an approximate time frame to complete your steps.   Additionally, it is beneficial to map out possible barriers to your progress in order to prepare for set backs.   If you do have a set back do not let it waver your motivation.    Life is unpredictable at times and sometimes we have to adjust our dreams and goals.  Have supports in place and remind yourself  why you want to accomplish your goal.

One of my present goals is to travel more.   Recently,  I have spent most of my time raising my daughter and focusing on my career,  and of course keeping a roof over our heads.    However, my daughter is now a young woman heading for college in the fall of this year and I am currently satisfied with my career.   The one thing I have thought about but not made any steps towards is traveling.  My first destination is Scotland.  Like most others I live paycheck to paycheck,  so I have to do some planning.   I am currently working on getting all my monthly payments paid ahead of time so I have some extra money to put away.   Next, I will take the bonuses I get and put a portion of that aside.   I have a tentative schedule of late spring to actually go on the trip.  So I am looking for package deals on the internet for the end of May early June.   I would like to do this as a graduation present for my daughter and a birthday gift for myself.    If something happens between now and April where I find I cannot pay for the trip then I will adjust my schedule.  My point is that I want to make this happen and pending any emergencies I plan on trying to achieve my goal.   

The one thing I have discovered this past year is life is short and change is eminent.   I have always been a creature of habit and stepping out of my comfort zone is scary.  

 However, if you don't take the step you may never know what wonderful opportunities you might miss!

MY FATHER

My father passed away tonight.    He was suffering from pulmonary heart failure.   It's almost been a year since he began to be experience severe symptoms and he spent much of the past year in and out of hospitals.  However, despite all his hospitalizations this past year, I refused to believe that my father would succumb to his illness.

I thought to myself, this is my father we are talking about.  My father is the strongest man I know.  He is the person who was always there to protect his daughters.  He was a man who commanded  respect from others because of his dynamic personality and leadership skills.   He was a man who was always there for his family even if he did not always agree to choices they made.    I still recall my father walking me down the aisle telling me it was still "not too late to call off the wedding."   My perceptive parents knew long before I did that my future husband was not a good "fit."    Dad had an opinion about most things and more half the time he was right.   

When I was young, my dad always seemed larger then life.   He was a tall man with broad shoulders and heavily built.  He spoke in a vociferous voice no matter what the occasion, and always seemed self assured.   When dad was in a room his presence was always evident.   In reflection, I always felt my father could do anything.   He seemed invincible.  He was my first role model.   So naturally when he became ill this past year,  I thought my dad would overcome this too.    However, aging affects all of us eventually, and even my "larger then life" father could not prevail over getting older and the ill health that comes with it.   

I would love to say I was the perfect daughter, but of course that 's not true.   As many people do,  I became engrossed  in my own life, raising my daughter, and focusing on my career that I did not spend as much time as with my parents as I could have.    Even after my father was diagnosed with pulmonary heart failure,  I still continued to focus on my own path and did not change my schedule enough to spend time with him.  I kept telling myself I had time.     

   

What I have learned this past year is that in being human we are all fallible.    I will take with me this life experience to not take for granted the people I love.   No matter how busy or full life gets, we only have this short time on earth to spend with them.  I don't want to waste another minute of it.   

FOR MY DAUGHTER

My Dearest Daughter, 

Your father once told me that you can never really experience unconditional love until you have child.  I'm sure there are those who would disagree, but for me it is so true.   For the past 18 yrs I have watched you grow from a spirited, enthusiastic young girl to the vibrant, self-motivated young woman you are becoming.   When I look at you I see a young woman who is strong-willed, quick witted, and empathic.  You are intelligent, insightful, with a dash of sarcasm (that runs in both side of your family).  I am so proud of you!  

I realize that your are 18 yrs old now and you are just starting to make more decisions about your life.  I hope your father and I have provided you with the support and guidance you need to begin making those choices.   As with most parents (notice I did not say all), I would try and protect you from making those decisions that will cause you pain.  However, making choices even the wrong ones, helps you continue to grow as a person.   Mistakes are part of life, you have to make a few so you can learn from them.   I believe that life is a journey and we have to experience it or we don't live at all.   I also deem that we create our own luck and destinies by following our dreams (whatever they are).

However, what I want you to know more then anything my daughter,  is that you are loved.   Unconditionally, absolutely loved.


Forever, 

Your Mother

MINDFULNESS, DON'T WORRY BE HAPPY, LIVE LIFE!

Although I realize it is impossible for anyone to be happy all the time, I have come to the conclusion that many of us spend more time then we should worrying.  We worry about finances, health problems, what careers to choose, what clothes to wear, are our lives fulfilling?, do we fit in? etc....... I am not saying we should not be prepared or set future goals.  I am saying that some of the things we worry about on a daily basis keeps us from enjoying the present.

Someone wise once said, "Live every day as if it were your last."  Personally, I find that a bit extreme but I agree with the general philosophy of the statement.

Lately, I have become a strong advocate for "mindfulness."   Mindfulness is a state of active, open attention on the present.  When you are mindful, you observe your thoughts and feelings from a distance without judging them good or bad.  Instead of letting your life pass you by, mindfulness means living in the moment and awakening to experience.    "The Mindfulness and Acceptance Workbook for Anxiety," provides excellent guidelines to do just that.  It demonstrates techniques to help focus on the present so that worries, anxieties, and fears are no longer barriers from moving forward.   I have been sharing this book with my groups but I have found it helpful in my own life.

Another bit of knowledge I find useful is self care.  Even when confronted with obstacles such as financial stress, family health issues, and constant shedding of animal hair, it is important to find something to make life pleasurable.   I want to stress that when I say pleasurable I am talking about healthy activities that will not cause harm to self or others.  Activities can range from exercising, spending time with family and friends, listening to music, volunteering, writing, reading a good book, getting a massage, soaking up the sun, watching a movie (with Robert Carlyle in it in my case), or 101 or so other things.  

The point is happiness comes from within.  Find it, live it, and enjoy it.

SPEAKING FROM THE HEART

March 16, 2014

When I was  younger I spent a lot of time trying to find the hidden key that would unlock my subconscious and take way my peculiar thoughts and behaviors.  Then  I discovered I had a chemical imbalance.  Low and behold,  there were  no subconscious thoughts that needed to be discovered and worked out (I am not a big fan of old Freud, I should add).  It was a chemical imbalance in my brain (serotonin)  that was either not produced enough or produced too much, I forget at the moment.  Either way, I can not express how freeing it was.  Here I spent years wondering what the f*** was wrong with me to discover that it was an imbalance.  I was 31 yrs old when I learned about OCD.  I learned that other's had it and that there were even ways to manage it (medication/CBT).

I recall the first time I read the book "The Boy Who Could Not Stop Washing" referred by the therapist I was working with.  I sat on my bed and cried out of relief. That knowledge changed my life.  It changed how I viewed myself.  I didn't view myself as an oddity any longer because I had an illness.  A real illness that was treatable.

When I decided to become a therapist myself years later it was with the belief that I could educate and support others so that they did not have through years of uncertainty as I had.  I love what I do (sorry mom and dad, I know you were hoping I would become an attorney).  I hope in my modest way that I do make a difference for others.  I don't often get to see the results of what I do, and honestly that's okay.  I have met so many people through my work and have learned more about courage and strength then I ever imagined was possible.  The blog was my way of sharing that wisdom with others.  Though when I think about it now I think it was as much for me as it was for the "others" I was hoping to inspire.  After all writing is therapeutic.

I am writing this because I think that when you work in this field for awhile as I have,  it is easy to become complacent and think you know know it all.  Last week I met someone who really touched my heart and reminded me of why I do what I do.  She also reminded me that my work is more than just sharing little inspirational blogs.

So speaking from the heart, as my daughter reminded me to do the other day, I want to express my gratitude to the clients who I have gotten to know and work with all these years.  I have learned more about life and courage through you and have become a better person because of you.  I hope that I will continue to carry this knowledge and not lose sight of why I became a therapist in the first place.

Thank You,

Pam