FOR MY DAUGHTER

My Dearest Daughter, 

Your father once told me that you can never really experience unconditional love until you have child.  I'm sure there are those who would disagree, but for me it is so true.   For the past 18 yrs I have watched you grow from a spirited, enthusiastic young girl to the vibrant, self-motivated young woman you are becoming.   When I look at you I see a young woman who is strong-willed, quick witted, and empathic.  You are intelligent, insightful, with a dash of sarcasm (that runs in both side of your family).  I am so proud of you!  

I realize that your are 18 yrs old now and you are just starting to make more decisions about your life.  I hope your father and I have provided you with the support and guidance you need to begin making those choices.   As with most parents (notice I did not say all), I would try and protect you from making those decisions that will cause you pain.  However, making choices even the wrong ones, helps you continue to grow as a person.   Mistakes are part of life, you have to make a few so you can learn from them.   I believe that life is a journey and we have to experience it or we don't live at all.   I also deem that we create our own luck and destinies by following our dreams (whatever they are).

However, what I want you to know more then anything my daughter,  is that you are loved.   Unconditionally, absolutely loved.


Forever, 

Your Mother

MINDFULNESS, DON'T WORRY BE HAPPY, LIVE LIFE!

Although I realize it is impossible for anyone to be happy all the time, I have come to the conclusion that many of us spend more time then we should worrying.  We worry about finances, health problems, what careers to choose, what clothes to wear, are our lives fulfilling?, do we fit in? etc....... I am not saying we should not be prepared or set future goals.  I am saying that some of the things we worry about on a daily basis keeps us from enjoying the present.

Someone wise once said, "Live every day as if it were your last."  Personally, I find that a bit extreme but I agree with the general philosophy of the statement.

Lately, I have become a strong advocate for "mindfulness."   Mindfulness is a state of active, open attention on the present.  When you are mindful, you observe your thoughts and feelings from a distance without judging them good or bad.  Instead of letting your life pass you by, mindfulness means living in the moment and awakening to experience.    "The Mindfulness and Acceptance Workbook for Anxiety," provides excellent guidelines to do just that.  It demonstrates techniques to help focus on the present so that worries, anxieties, and fears are no longer barriers from moving forward.   I have been sharing this book with my groups but I have found it helpful in my own life.

Another bit of knowledge I find useful is self care.  Even when confronted with obstacles such as financial stress, family health issues, and constant shedding of animal hair, it is important to find something to make life pleasurable.   I want to stress that when I say pleasurable I am talking about healthy activities that will not cause harm to self or others.  Activities can range from exercising, spending time with family and friends, listening to music, volunteering, writing, reading a good book, getting a massage, soaking up the sun, watching a movie (with Robert Carlyle in it in my case), or 101 or so other things.  

The point is happiness comes from within.  Find it, live it, and enjoy it.

SPEAKING FROM THE HEART

March 16, 2014

When I was  younger I spent a lot of time trying to find the hidden key that would unlock my subconscious and take way my peculiar thoughts and behaviors.  Then  I discovered I had a chemical imbalance.  Low and behold,  there were  no subconscious thoughts that needed to be discovered and worked out (I am not a big fan of old Freud, I should add).  It was a chemical imbalance in my brain (serotonin)  that was either not produced enough or produced too much, I forget at the moment.  Either way, I can not express how freeing it was.  Here I spent years wondering what the f*** was wrong with me to discover that it was an imbalance.  I was 31 yrs old when I learned about OCD.  I learned that other's had it and that there were even ways to manage it (medication/CBT).

I recall the first time I read the book "The Boy Who Could Not Stop Washing" referred by the therapist I was working with.  I sat on my bed and cried out of relief. That knowledge changed my life.  It changed how I viewed myself.  I didn't view myself as an oddity any longer because I had an illness.  A real illness that was treatable.

When I decided to become a therapist myself years later it was with the belief that I could educate and support others so that they did not have through years of uncertainty as I had.  I love what I do (sorry mom and dad, I know you were hoping I would become an attorney).  I hope in my modest way that I do make a difference for others.  I don't often get to see the results of what I do, and honestly that's okay.  I have met so many people through my work and have learned more about courage and strength then I ever imagined was possible.  The blog was my way of sharing that wisdom with others.  Though when I think about it now I think it was as much for me as it was for the "others" I was hoping to inspire.  After all writing is therapeutic.

I am writing this because I think that when you work in this field for awhile as I have,  it is easy to become complacent and think you know know it all.  Last week I met someone who really touched my heart and reminded me of why I do what I do.  She also reminded me that my work is more than just sharing little inspirational blogs.

So speaking from the heart, as my daughter reminded me to do the other day, I want to express my gratitude to the clients who I have gotten to know and work with all these years.  I have learned more about life and courage through you and have become a better person because of you.  I hope that I will continue to carry this knowledge and not lose sight of why I became a therapist in the first place.

Thank You,

Pam

RESILIENCY

March 1, 2014



RESILIENCY

When I began this post, I initially began to research resilience definitions and what articles considered to be the traits of a resilient person.  From there I got stuck.  Why repeat what other articles have already pointed out.  Is seems redundant somehow.  I also received some good feedback from my daughter who noted that although what I have written in some of my posts are good, but, they have been said before.  She suggested i speak a little more like who really I am, blunt and passionate.  Speak from the heart.

I used to think that living with a chemical imbalance made me unique. though what  I have worked with hundreds of clients and I have listened to stories that make some lifetime movies appear docile.  Due to confidentiality I can not share those stories here.  But the strength and tenacity that some of my client's have displayed in their lives astounds me. 

However, what I know best is myself.  I could have given up on myself numerous times.  Point in fact, I once told a therapist who I was working with after I separated from my daughter's father, that I thought it might be nice to go to a psychiatric hospital to have someone take care of me for once. He laughed (chuckled actually) and informed me that after I worked with him I was going to look back on that statement and laugh (yeah, I did, eventually). I was tired, really tired.  It's hard enough to try and survive in a world that demands you pay bills, debts, and have a full time job (or two) in order to do just that. Let's not even discuss having a social or love life.  Then throw in a chemical imbalance for fun to mix things up a little. 



Yet, here I am nine years later, working a full time job, paying bills (I even caught up on a few debts), and actually enjoying myself sometimes.  I can honestly say that I like the person I have become.  It took a long time to get there and that's not to say that I won't experience other stumbling blocks in the future.  But I have something I like to call resilience.......

A MOTHER'S WORDS OF WISDOM TO HER DAUGHTER: MOMISMS

1. Never shave your chin hair when you have the flu(if you are a woman): Do not take the easy way out.

2. If you find a good hairdresser, stick with them: If you find someone you work well with, hell, stick with them.

3. Always have an animal of some sort in your life: They are very nurturing.

4. Yes, it is nice to have good credit, but it is not the most important thing in the scheme of life.  How many grave stones have you read that said " She had good credit."

5. Be sure to like the person you are. After all, people will come and go in your life but you are always with you.

6. Do not feel like you have to be in a relationship so you will not "die alone."  After all, we almost always do.

7. Take the time to try and enjoy something about each day. Life is indeed what we make it.  We may not always be able to control what happens in our lives but we can choose how we react.

THANK YOU MR ROBERT CARLYLE

Thank You Mr. Robert Carlyle

Christmas Eve 2013

I admit to feeling overly sentimental tonight.  For the past week my father has been in the hospital. There are two conflicting opinions on what might be wrong with him.  One diagnosis is less serious then the other and my father’s cardiologist is on vacation until next week.  However, for now my father is in good hands and stable which is the important thing.   So that being said,  the pending Christmas festivities have been put on  hold.  My mother, emotionally drained  just wanted to go home and get some rest tonight.  My sister is with her new husband’s family up north.  My daughter spends Christmas Eve with her father every year.

So the prospect of spending Christmas Eve alone tonight seemed dismal.  I realize tonight is really just another day but it signifies family togetherness.  So after the family called and texted one another best holiday wishes and I dropped my daughter off at her dad’s and extended more good holiday wishes, I reckoned I had to make some decisions for myself.  The way I figured it I had two options.  The first option was to return home, lament about absence of family and friends on the holiday and remind myself of all I a missing.  The second option was to figure out how to make the best out of this evening by reminding  myself to appreciate all the things I do have.  Then find some healthy distractions and look forward to a relaxing evening with my furry companions. 

I have a few ways to relax when feeling troubled, I read, I sing (fortunately for my neighbors I have a good voice if I do say so myself, and I do),  and I also enjoy movies and television. I love theater as well but not an option tonight.  So, first  I stopped off at Barnes and Nobles and bought a book.  Next, I stopped and picked up some pad thai. However, once I got home I realized I did not want to read.  Ever have one of those times when you read the same line over and over but your mind is somewhere else? This was one of those times.  Even after a full stomach of pad thai I found my mind creeping towards melancholy. 

So this is the part where Mr. Carlyle comes in.  Last summer my teenager introduced me to the show “Once Upon a Time.”  I sat down with my daughter one evening as she was watching and found myself gripped.   I was especially captivated by the character of Rumpelstiltskin.  The actor playing the part was absolutely amazing.  Needless to say I have been watching the show ever since.  One night my curiosity got the best of me and I decided I needed to find out just who that actor was who plays the part of Rumpelstiltskin. After an internet search, I discovered the part was played by a Scottish actor, Robert Carlyle. I had been meaning to watch some of his films but had not yet had the occasion to do so.  Well, tonight seemed like the perfect night to do just that.  I discovered Mr. Carlyle is indeed a gifted and versatile actor.  

Initially, I thought tonight was going to be a tough evening to get through. Instead it was entertaining and enjoyable.  True,  problems don’t necessarily disappear because of watching a movie or two, but for a few blessed hours I forgot about problems and enjoyed.   Additionally, one does not have to suffer the damaging after effects of chemical induced alternatives.   

So thank you again Mr. Carlyle, for sharing your wonderful talent.  I really can't even begin to tell you what a difference it made for me this evening.

IS THERE A PURPOSE TO LIFE?

Is there a Purpose in Life?

Is Life about the Journey or the Destination?

In one of my groups a few weeks ago, a client was struggling to figure out her purpose in life. She commented that she knew she has some purpose because she has survived many incidences and was still alive.  However, she could not seem to grasp just what that purpose might be.  Later, I began to consider this question.

Personally, I have never really considered what purpose my life serves to others, except maybe to my daughter and family.  In being a therapist I would like to think that my clients gain something from working with me.   Many years ago, a former supervisor once stated to me that her goal as a therapist/counselor/social worker/clinician, etc…was that if someone felt more hopeful after talking with her she did her job.  I guess that is they way I have always thought of my work.  Clients come in to talk to me because they want to make some change in their lives and help improve the quality of it.  If someone feels better after talking to me than I feel I have done my job.

When I was a young adult I worked with a social worker from JFCS due to my “odd” behaviors.   In those days chemical imbalances were not so easily diagnosed and no one (including the social worker) ever mentioned that maybe my symptoms might be caused by conditions known as OCD and Tourettes (that came 10 yrs later).  However, although my therapist did not identify the actual causes of my issues, I did feel  much better after talking to her.   I felt less “crazy," more accepted, not so alone in the world.   I felt like those fleeting thoughts of hopelessness, were just that, fleeting thoughts. Perhaps, along with my own tenaciousness, one of the reasons I am still here, able to write this, is because she inspired some hope for me. That, is the true reason I chose the field I work in.  I know what it is like to experience the confusion and isolation that sometimes comes with mental illness. 

Most of the time I don’t ever see the results of  my work.  People come and share their storis with me and then eventually move on with  their lives.  Every once in a while a former client might stop by to thank me for the support and encouragement I provided but that rarely happens.  Honestly, that is fine by me. I don’t need to see the end results I just love working with my clients.  

The other role in my life is raising my daughter.  I strive to let her know she is loved and hopefully I support her in the way she needs, so she can discover her own adventures.   I enjoy being a parent and watching my daughter grow up into a remarkable young woman.  I often tell her that I not only love her but I admire and respect the person she is growing up to be.   Being a parent is amazing.   My daughter’s father  once commented to me that one can not describe what it is to love a child you simply have to live it.  He was right. 

I think life is a discovery.  Sometimes we do not like what we find.  Other times our discoveries illuminate the course we decide to travel.  Existence is like melody always changing never stopping.  

So, is life about the journey or the destination?  Perhaps it is both.