I did something amazing 34 years ago. I decided to not give up. I admit I wanted to. I really, really,wanted to. I was tired, confused, overwhelmed,and frightened. I had no idea what was wrong with me. At times I was seemingly "normal." I had friends, interests, hobbies, and dreams. Other times I was someone else. A secret person who I did not understand. This someone had thoughts that would bother her until she acted out in compulsive behaviors to mollify those thoughts. This someone also had other compulsions such as twitching or vocalizing sounds when the urge came on to do so. I can remember as far back as 6 yrs old lining up my the stuffed animals I slept with every night in just the "right"way. If I did not get it "right" I would proceed to jump in and out of bed the number of time my current age and repeat.
I was 18 years old the time I contemplated giving up. I didn't really have a plan. I just knew I wanted it to stop. I was tired of living two lives. My brain was exhausted from unrelenting thoughts that drove me to perform odd ritualistic behaviors. I had just graduated high school and was going to start college in a few months. I so scared. I made it through that summer though. True, I ended up pulling out most of my eyebrows and eye lashes during those summer months. My college career began with my wearing lots of eye liner pencil. The crux is I did not give up. I didn't allow my fear and exhaustion to overtake me to a point of no return.
How did I manage? Honestly, I would find small things to keep me going and look forward to. If I recall, that summer I reminded myself that I wanted to watch episodes of my favorite television show. When I was younger, television and actors played a large part in my drive to keep going. In later years, I was determined to graduate college, despite what I viewed were my short comings. I became focused on winning the prize which was my diploma. I worked, dated, went to parties, and did other "normal" activities. However, I continued to live my "double" life. It was hard letting people get too close because of my "issues."
I was 31 years old when I was finally able to give names to my "oddities." I was diagnosed with chemical imbalances called Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Tourettes Syndrome. Although I had already developed coping skills to live with my disorders, it was so freeing to learn that my oddities were chemical imbalances and not the result of some deep Freudian thought caused by my unconscious mind that needed to be unlocked.
Eventually, I graduated with both a bachelor and a masters degree. My initial career focus was to become a criminal attorney but I decided that my passion was more focused in counseling. I got married, divorced, then lived in "sin" for many years and gave birth to my daughter. I have been a therapist for 17 yrs now. I love what I do. At my place of employment we have a rehabilitation site on the lower level. The day before the long July 4th weekend we had a barbecue for the clients who attend. When I went downstairs I watched the client's smiling and laughing and seeming to have a great time. Many of those client have battled and overcome situations that I can not even fathom. However, there they were eating and laughing. It makes me smile.
My point is this.........If I had given up on myself all those years ago, I would not have been around to experience many of the joys in my life. I would not have held my new born daughter in my arms, met so many of the wonderful people who are now in my life, enjoyed a career that has given me so much pleasure, watch my daughter receive her high school diploma, and most recently visiting Scotland with my daughter(graduation/birthday present) to see a movie premier of a favorite actor and take in all the beauty of that country.
I am not saying that life is not without challenges. What I am saying is that sometimes we have to go through those challenges to able to appreciate and embrace the wonders of life. So whenever I feel "challenged" I look at my daughter to remind myself of what I would have missed out on if I had allowed my depression to overcome me all those years ago.
#AlwaysKeepFighting
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