MY FATHER

My father passed away tonight.    He was suffering from pulmonary heart failure.   It's almost been a year since he began to be experience severe symptoms and he spent much of the past year in and out of hospitals.  However, despite all his hospitalizations this past year, I refused to believe that my father would succumb to his illness.

I thought to myself, this is my father we are talking about.  My father is the strongest man I know.  He is the person who was always there to protect his daughters.  He was a man who commanded  respect from others because of his dynamic personality and leadership skills.   He was a man who was always there for his family even if he did not always agree to choices they made.    I still recall my father walking me down the aisle telling me it was still "not too late to call off the wedding."   My perceptive parents knew long before I did that my future husband was not a good "fit."    Dad had an opinion about most things and more half the time he was right.   

When I was young, my dad always seemed larger then life.   He was a tall man with broad shoulders and heavily built.  He spoke in a vociferous voice no matter what the occasion, and always seemed self assured.   When dad was in a room his presence was always evident.   In reflection, I always felt my father could do anything.   He seemed invincible.  He was my first role model.   So naturally when he became ill this past year,  I thought my dad would overcome this too.    However, aging affects all of us eventually, and even my "larger then life" father could not prevail over getting older and the ill health that comes with it.   

I would love to say I was the perfect daughter, but of course that 's not true.   As many people do,  I became engrossed  in my own life, raising my daughter, and focusing on my career that I did not spend as much time as with my parents as I could have.    Even after my father was diagnosed with pulmonary heart failure,  I still continued to focus on my own path and did not change my schedule enough to spend time with him.  I kept telling myself I had time.     

   

What I have learned this past year is that in being human we are all fallible.    I will take with me this life experience to not take for granted the people I love.   No matter how busy or full life gets, we only have this short time on earth to spend with them.  I don't want to waste another minute of it.   

FOR MY DAUGHTER

My Dearest Daughter, 

Your father once told me that you can never really experience unconditional love until you have child.  I'm sure there are those who would disagree, but for me it is so true.   For the past 18 yrs I have watched you grow from a spirited, enthusiastic young girl to the vibrant, self-motivated young woman you are becoming.   When I look at you I see a young woman who is strong-willed, quick witted, and empathic.  You are intelligent, insightful, with a dash of sarcasm (that runs in both side of your family).  I am so proud of you!  

I realize that your are 18 yrs old now and you are just starting to make more decisions about your life.  I hope your father and I have provided you with the support and guidance you need to begin making those choices.   As with most parents (notice I did not say all), I would try and protect you from making those decisions that will cause you pain.  However, making choices even the wrong ones, helps you continue to grow as a person.   Mistakes are part of life, you have to make a few so you can learn from them.   I believe that life is a journey and we have to experience it or we don't live at all.   I also deem that we create our own luck and destinies by following our dreams (whatever they are).

However, what I want you to know more then anything my daughter,  is that you are loved.   Unconditionally, absolutely loved.


Forever, 

Your Mother

MINDFULNESS, DON'T WORRY BE HAPPY, LIVE LIFE!

Although I realize it is impossible for anyone to be happy all the time, I have come to the conclusion that many of us spend more time then we should worrying.  We worry about finances, health problems, what careers to choose, what clothes to wear, are our lives fulfilling?, do we fit in? etc....... I am not saying we should not be prepared or set future goals.  I am saying that some of the things we worry about on a daily basis keeps us from enjoying the present.

Someone wise once said, "Live every day as if it were your last."  Personally, I find that a bit extreme but I agree with the general philosophy of the statement.

Lately, I have become a strong advocate for "mindfulness."   Mindfulness is a state of active, open attention on the present.  When you are mindful, you observe your thoughts and feelings from a distance without judging them good or bad.  Instead of letting your life pass you by, mindfulness means living in the moment and awakening to experience.    "The Mindfulness and Acceptance Workbook for Anxiety," provides excellent guidelines to do just that.  It demonstrates techniques to help focus on the present so that worries, anxieties, and fears are no longer barriers from moving forward.   I have been sharing this book with my groups but I have found it helpful in my own life.

Another bit of knowledge I find useful is self care.  Even when confronted with obstacles such as financial stress, family health issues, and constant shedding of animal hair, it is important to find something to make life pleasurable.   I want to stress that when I say pleasurable I am talking about healthy activities that will not cause harm to self or others.  Activities can range from exercising, spending time with family and friends, listening to music, volunteering, writing, reading a good book, getting a massage, soaking up the sun, watching a movie (with Robert Carlyle in it in my case), or 101 or so other things.  

The point is happiness comes from within.  Find it, live it, and enjoy it.

SPEAKING FROM THE HEART

March 16, 2014

When I was  younger I spent a lot of time trying to find the hidden key that would unlock my subconscious and take way my peculiar thoughts and behaviors.  Then  I discovered I had a chemical imbalance.  Low and behold,  there were  no subconscious thoughts that needed to be discovered and worked out (I am not a big fan of old Freud, I should add).  It was a chemical imbalance in my brain (serotonin)  that was either not produced enough or produced too much, I forget at the moment.  Either way, I can not express how freeing it was.  Here I spent years wondering what the f*** was wrong with me to discover that it was an imbalance.  I was 31 yrs old when I learned about OCD.  I learned that other's had it and that there were even ways to manage it (medication/CBT).

I recall the first time I read the book "The Boy Who Could Not Stop Washing" referred by the therapist I was working with.  I sat on my bed and cried out of relief. That knowledge changed my life.  It changed how I viewed myself.  I didn't view myself as an oddity any longer because I had an illness.  A real illness that was treatable.

When I decided to become a therapist myself years later it was with the belief that I could educate and support others so that they did not have through years of uncertainty as I had.  I love what I do (sorry mom and dad, I know you were hoping I would become an attorney).  I hope in my modest way that I do make a difference for others.  I don't often get to see the results of what I do, and honestly that's okay.  I have met so many people through my work and have learned more about courage and strength then I ever imagined was possible.  The blog was my way of sharing that wisdom with others.  Though when I think about it now I think it was as much for me as it was for the "others" I was hoping to inspire.  After all writing is therapeutic.

I am writing this because I think that when you work in this field for awhile as I have,  it is easy to become complacent and think you know know it all.  Last week I met someone who really touched my heart and reminded me of why I do what I do.  She also reminded me that my work is more than just sharing little inspirational blogs.

So speaking from the heart, as my daughter reminded me to do the other day, I want to express my gratitude to the clients who I have gotten to know and work with all these years.  I have learned more about life and courage through you and have become a better person because of you.  I hope that I will continue to carry this knowledge and not lose sight of why I became a therapist in the first place.

Thank You,

Pam

RESILIENCY

March 1, 2014



RESILIENCY

When I began this post, I initially began to research resilience definitions and what articles considered to be the traits of a resilient person.  From there I got stuck.  Why repeat what other articles have already pointed out.  Is seems redundant somehow.  I also received some good feedback from my daughter who noted that although what I have written in some of my posts are good, but, they have been said before.  She suggested i speak a little more like who really I am, blunt and passionate.  Speak from the heart.

I used to think that living with a chemical imbalance made me unique. though what  I have worked with hundreds of clients and I have listened to stories that make some lifetime movies appear docile.  Due to confidentiality I can not share those stories here.  But the strength and tenacity that some of my client's have displayed in their lives astounds me. 

However, what I know best is myself.  I could have given up on myself numerous times.  Point in fact, I once told a therapist who I was working with after I separated from my daughter's father, that I thought it might be nice to go to a psychiatric hospital to have someone take care of me for once. He laughed (chuckled actually) and informed me that after I worked with him I was going to look back on that statement and laugh (yeah, I did, eventually). I was tired, really tired.  It's hard enough to try and survive in a world that demands you pay bills, debts, and have a full time job (or two) in order to do just that. Let's not even discuss having a social or love life.  Then throw in a chemical imbalance for fun to mix things up a little. 



Yet, here I am nine years later, working a full time job, paying bills (I even caught up on a few debts), and actually enjoying myself sometimes.  I can honestly say that I like the person I have become.  It took a long time to get there and that's not to say that I won't experience other stumbling blocks in the future.  But I have something I like to call resilience.......

A MOTHER'S WORDS OF WISDOM TO HER DAUGHTER: MOMISMS

1. Never shave your chin hair when you have the flu(if you are a woman): Do not take the easy way out.

2. If you find a good hairdresser, stick with them: If you find someone you work well with, hell, stick with them.

3. Always have an animal of some sort in your life: They are very nurturing.

4. Yes, it is nice to have good credit, but it is not the most important thing in the scheme of life.  How many grave stones have you read that said " She had good credit."

5. Be sure to like the person you are. After all, people will come and go in your life but you are always with you.

6. Do not feel like you have to be in a relationship so you will not "die alone."  After all, we almost always do.

7. Take the time to try and enjoy something about each day. Life is indeed what we make it.  We may not always be able to control what happens in our lives but we can choose how we react.