SPEAKING FROM THE HEART

March 16, 2014

When I was  younger I spent a lot of time trying to find the hidden key that would unlock my subconscious and take way my peculiar thoughts and behaviors.  Then  I discovered I had a chemical imbalance.  Low and behold,  there were  no subconscious thoughts that needed to be discovered and worked out (I am not a big fan of old Freud, I should add).  It was a chemical imbalance in my brain (serotonin)  that was either not produced enough or produced too much, I forget at the moment.  Either way, I can not express how freeing it was.  Here I spent years wondering what the f*** was wrong with me to discover that it was an imbalance.  I was 31 yrs old when I learned about OCD.  I learned that other's had it and that there were even ways to manage it (medication/CBT).

I recall the first time I read the book "The Boy Who Could Not Stop Washing" referred by the therapist I was working with.  I sat on my bed and cried out of relief. That knowledge changed my life.  It changed how I viewed myself.  I didn't view myself as an oddity any longer because I had an illness.  A real illness that was treatable.

When I decided to become a therapist myself years later it was with the belief that I could educate and support others so that they did not have through years of uncertainty as I had.  I love what I do (sorry mom and dad, I know you were hoping I would become an attorney).  I hope in my modest way that I do make a difference for others.  I don't often get to see the results of what I do, and honestly that's okay.  I have met so many people through my work and have learned more about courage and strength then I ever imagined was possible.  The blog was my way of sharing that wisdom with others.  Though when I think about it now I think it was as much for me as it was for the "others" I was hoping to inspire.  After all writing is therapeutic.

I am writing this because I think that when you work in this field for awhile as I have,  it is easy to become complacent and think you know know it all.  Last week I met someone who really touched my heart and reminded me of why I do what I do.  She also reminded me that my work is more than just sharing little inspirational blogs.

So speaking from the heart, as my daughter reminded me to do the other day, I want to express my gratitude to the clients who I have gotten to know and work with all these years.  I have learned more about life and courage through you and have become a better person because of you.  I hope that I will continue to carry this knowledge and not lose sight of why I became a therapist in the first place.

Thank You,

Pam

RESILIENCY

March 1, 2014



RESILIENCY

When I began this post, I initially began to research resilience definitions and what articles considered to be the traits of a resilient person.  From there I got stuck.  Why repeat what other articles have already pointed out.  Is seems redundant somehow.  I also received some good feedback from my daughter who noted that although what I have written in some of my posts are good, but, they have been said before.  She suggested i speak a little more like who really I am, blunt and passionate.  Speak from the heart.

I used to think that living with a chemical imbalance made me unique. though what  I have worked with hundreds of clients and I have listened to stories that make some lifetime movies appear docile.  Due to confidentiality I can not share those stories here.  But the strength and tenacity that some of my client's have displayed in their lives astounds me. 

However, what I know best is myself.  I could have given up on myself numerous times.  Point in fact, I once told a therapist who I was working with after I separated from my daughter's father, that I thought it might be nice to go to a psychiatric hospital to have someone take care of me for once. He laughed (chuckled actually) and informed me that after I worked with him I was going to look back on that statement and laugh (yeah, I did, eventually). I was tired, really tired.  It's hard enough to try and survive in a world that demands you pay bills, debts, and have a full time job (or two) in order to do just that. Let's not even discuss having a social or love life.  Then throw in a chemical imbalance for fun to mix things up a little. 



Yet, here I am nine years later, working a full time job, paying bills (I even caught up on a few debts), and actually enjoying myself sometimes.  I can honestly say that I like the person I have become.  It took a long time to get there and that's not to say that I won't experience other stumbling blocks in the future.  But I have something I like to call resilience.......