THANK YOU MR ROBERT CARLYLE

Thank You Mr. Robert Carlyle

Christmas Eve 2013

I admit to feeling overly sentimental tonight.  For the past week my father has been in the hospital. There are two conflicting opinions on what might be wrong with him.  One diagnosis is less serious then the other and my father’s cardiologist is on vacation until next week.  However, for now my father is in good hands and stable which is the important thing.   So that being said,  the pending Christmas festivities have been put on  hold.  My mother, emotionally drained  just wanted to go home and get some rest tonight.  My sister is with her new husband’s family up north.  My daughter spends Christmas Eve with her father every year.

So the prospect of spending Christmas Eve alone tonight seemed dismal.  I realize tonight is really just another day but it signifies family togetherness.  So after the family called and texted one another best holiday wishes and I dropped my daughter off at her dad’s and extended more good holiday wishes, I reckoned I had to make some decisions for myself.  The way I figured it I had two options.  The first option was to return home, lament about absence of family and friends on the holiday and remind myself of all I a missing.  The second option was to figure out how to make the best out of this evening by reminding  myself to appreciate all the things I do have.  Then find some healthy distractions and look forward to a relaxing evening with my furry companions. 

I have a few ways to relax when feeling troubled, I read, I sing (fortunately for my neighbors I have a good voice if I do say so myself, and I do),  and I also enjoy movies and television. I love theater as well but not an option tonight.  So, first  I stopped off at Barnes and Nobles and bought a book.  Next, I stopped and picked up some pad thai. However, once I got home I realized I did not want to read.  Ever have one of those times when you read the same line over and over but your mind is somewhere else? This was one of those times.  Even after a full stomach of pad thai I found my mind creeping towards melancholy. 

So this is the part where Mr. Carlyle comes in.  Last summer my teenager introduced me to the show “Once Upon a Time.”  I sat down with my daughter one evening as she was watching and found myself gripped.   I was especially captivated by the character of Rumpelstiltskin.  The actor playing the part was absolutely amazing.  Needless to say I have been watching the show ever since.  One night my curiosity got the best of me and I decided I needed to find out just who that actor was who plays the part of Rumpelstiltskin. After an internet search, I discovered the part was played by a Scottish actor, Robert Carlyle. I had been meaning to watch some of his films but had not yet had the occasion to do so.  Well, tonight seemed like the perfect night to do just that.  I discovered Mr. Carlyle is indeed a gifted and versatile actor.  

Initially, I thought tonight was going to be a tough evening to get through. Instead it was entertaining and enjoyable.  True,  problems don’t necessarily disappear because of watching a movie or two, but for a few blessed hours I forgot about problems and enjoyed.   Additionally, one does not have to suffer the damaging after effects of chemical induced alternatives.   

So thank you again Mr. Carlyle, for sharing your wonderful talent.  I really can't even begin to tell you what a difference it made for me this evening.

IS THERE A PURPOSE TO LIFE?

Is there a Purpose in Life?

Is Life about the Journey or the Destination?

In one of my groups a few weeks ago, a client was struggling to figure out her purpose in life. She commented that she knew she has some purpose because she has survived many incidences and was still alive.  However, she could not seem to grasp just what that purpose might be.  Later, I began to consider this question.

Personally, I have never really considered what purpose my life serves to others, except maybe to my daughter and family.  In being a therapist I would like to think that my clients gain something from working with me.   Many years ago, a former supervisor once stated to me that her goal as a therapist/counselor/social worker/clinician, etc…was that if someone felt more hopeful after talking with her she did her job.  I guess that is they way I have always thought of my work.  Clients come in to talk to me because they want to make some change in their lives and help improve the quality of it.  If someone feels better after talking to me than I feel I have done my job.

When I was a young adult I worked with a social worker from JFCS due to my “odd” behaviors.   In those days chemical imbalances were not so easily diagnosed and no one (including the social worker) ever mentioned that maybe my symptoms might be caused by conditions known as OCD and Tourettes (that came 10 yrs later).  However, although my therapist did not identify the actual causes of my issues, I did feel  much better after talking to her.   I felt less “crazy," more accepted, not so alone in the world.   I felt like those fleeting thoughts of hopelessness, were just that, fleeting thoughts. Perhaps, along with my own tenaciousness, one of the reasons I am still here, able to write this, is because she inspired some hope for me. That, is the true reason I chose the field I work in.  I know what it is like to experience the confusion and isolation that sometimes comes with mental illness. 

Most of the time I don’t ever see the results of  my work.  People come and share their storis with me and then eventually move on with  their lives.  Every once in a while a former client might stop by to thank me for the support and encouragement I provided but that rarely happens.  Honestly, that is fine by me. I don’t need to see the end results I just love working with my clients.  

The other role in my life is raising my daughter.  I strive to let her know she is loved and hopefully I support her in the way she needs, so she can discover her own adventures.   I enjoy being a parent and watching my daughter grow up into a remarkable young woman.  I often tell her that I not only love her but I admire and respect the person she is growing up to be.   Being a parent is amazing.   My daughter’s father  once commented to me that one can not describe what it is to love a child you simply have to live it.  He was right. 

I think life is a discovery.  Sometimes we do not like what we find.  Other times our discoveries illuminate the course we decide to travel.  Existence is like melody always changing never stopping.  

So, is life about the journey or the destination?  Perhaps it is both.

FRIENDSHIP

“I think if I've learned anything about friendship, it's to hang in, stay connected, fight for them, and let them fight for you. Don't walk away, don't be distracted, don't be too busy or tired, don't take them for granted. Friends are part of the glue that holds life and faith together. Powerful stuff.” 
― Jon Katz




     A few months ago I facilitated a group on the importance of friendships in enriching our lives and improving our emotional and mental health. What I realized later is that I do not always practice what I preach.  Here I was explaining to my clients that friendships increase our sense of belonging and purpose, reduce stress, and help us cope with major changes in our lives such divorce or loss.  Yet my social life has been slim at best for the past few years.  Sure, I could tell myself that as a single parent it is easy to become consumed with day to day life such as going to work, making sure my daughter is healthy and happy, daily chores, and in my case caring for my menagerie of animals.  Or I can tell myself that I am too busy to have social life or I am happy to isolate on weekends because I spent my days at work surrounded by people.  I fill my time on weekends with my daughter, reading,watching television or movies (bless Netflix), chores, shopping, and sometimes walking outside (when not 115) for exercise.  So, I tell myself, "You have a full life, you don't really need a social life.  It's not like you stay home and isolate.  You are always out and about."

     Never-the-less, here I am with the dawning of understanding that even with my career and my "busy" life I am lacking one critical area in my own life, "socialization."  Although, it is true some people tend to be more social then others, as social animals it is important for us to have companionship.  In my late 20's and early 30's I was much more social.  I was not yet a parent and I was still searching for "mister someone right" to start a family with.  I worked for the Superior Court at that time (someone suggested that I work for the court to see if I liked the legal field. I didn't, that's why I am a therapist) and there were plenty of co workers and men in suits (I like a man in a suit). I flirted, dated, went out for karaoke nights. Yes, it was a one big whirlwind of fun.  Somewhere along the line I met my daughter's father (yes, he wears a suit) and my life changed.  It did not happen right away but slowly I began to see my friends less and less. We began to drift apart and eventually lost touch.  Again, it was easy to blame motherhood, my significant other, and my budding new career as an excuse for losing touch with friends, but that is really what it was, an excuse.

     The truth is somewhere along the line within that time period, a close friend hurt me by explaining to me that my Tourette symptoms bothered her and she felt that she could no longer spend time with me.  I pretended for a years that I was not bothered by that.  I used all the excused I mentioned above to explain away my waning desire for social activities and the wall I began to erect between myself and others. But in reality and with brutal honesty I admit, I was, or correction, I am scared.  Scared of what?  Well, it wasn't so much that I lost a friend it was the reason I lost a friend, my mental illness.  My dark, dirty little secret. I have a mental illness.  True, I work, I parent, I do all sorts of things but I still have a mental illness. Yes, it does affect me at times. I twitch, I make silly sounds when I am anxious, etc.  One of my former co workers explained to me," You are an acquired taste."  She went on to explain that she had "acquired a taste" to be my friend.  So my point, is it not always easy for me to make friends because of my "quirkiness."

Now it can be argued that we are all quirky in our own ways.  This is true, I believe.  That is why I call this blog "Define Normal" because who is to say what normal is.  So here is the challenge. Is it really my disorder that keeps me from getting back on the wagon so to speak or is it my perception of how I think other's perceive me as the barrier?  If I were to make an unbiased guess I would say the latter.  It's how I see myself that keeps me from seeking friendships. My friends did not leave me, I left them.  I stopped calling them and declined to spend time with them using the "I am so tired excuse."  Looking back I would say that I was less than a loyal friend myself.

     So, as I tell my clients it is up to us to make the first steps in making changes (if we really want them).  My first step is to get over myself and stop blaming my mental health issues on the choices I make. My second step is to choose something I enjoy (which I have) to participate in.  I love to sing and I have a terrific voice so I am joining a community choir that starts in January, 2014.  I am also making a conscious effort to stay in touch with those people I care about.  It is fairly easy today to send a simple "text" message to someone to let them know you are thinking about them. I also am trying to be there as a supportive friend myself.  Recently, a friend was having some medical and mental health issues and I made sure I kept in touch and to let her know I was there for her.

     True, I am an acquired taste. Some people have decided I am worth the effort to acquire a taste.  For that I am grateful.  However, I have also learned that friendship is a two way street and you have to give of yourself, and don't walk away, for friendship should not be taken for granted.
   

   

CHANGE IS INEVITABLE

 Tonight I am pondering change.  Some people seek it others try to avoid it.  Anyone who goes to a therapist is looking for some sort of change because something is not working in their lives and they want to fix it.  Often we are not even sure what type of change we are looking for.  Do you ever wonder why change can be so difficult for some of us while others thrive on it?  Well for one thing change can be pretty damn scary. Take addiction for instance.  Many substance abusers report that even though they want to improve their lives it is easier to make the same poor choices over and over because at least they know what to expect.  Even if the outcome is life threatening some would prefer this to the danger of the unknown.

Why do some people fear change so much?  Some of my past clients have shared that change is a risk. What type of risk?  The risk of failure. If you try to change and it goes awry then you  have failed to achieve your  goals. This can then lead to loss of hope which can lead to severe depression.  Thus, for some it is far easier to stay on they path of "least resistance" then travel the other one; you know the one less traveled.  So some people remain stuck for awhile until they come to a point where they either change something in their lives or take a chance on losing family, friends, or even their lives.  This might sound extreme but really for some change is so frightening that the mere thought of it can bring on panic.

In regards to myself, one might think that because I have OCD I would be one of those individuals who shudder at the thought of change.  Honestly, no so much.  I have come to the conclusion that change really is inevitable one way or another (I know no shit, right?).  I think the most challenging change I have experienced in my life is from being a couple with a child to a single parent.  It was comfortable living with someone even though the relationship was not necessarily healthy. Sure I told myself that I was staying in the relationship for my daughter or for financial reasons but in reality I was just scared of the change in lifestyle.     Initially it was a difficult adjustment for all of us.  My daughter had to get used to moving from mom one weekend and dad the other. I had to get used to living on my own and learning to live with myself.  Sure there was a brief period of time I felt panicked but I just kept on going.   I tried to focus on being there for my daughter so she can grow up feeling loved even if her parents were no longer together.  I did end up putting my personal life on hold for awhile but since I have my daughter, my animals, and a career I love I made it through that time of change.

The next major change I anticipate in my life is when my daughter goes to college in a couple of years.  You know that old empty nest syndrome.  It's coming for me.  Am I scared? Sure, a little.  I have spent the past 8 years as a single parent so yeah it frightens me a bit. So the way I see it I have to start making smaller changes so I can better manage the larger change. I, of course, am not taking into account at this juncture any unknown occurrences that might happen along the way.  To start I have made a decision to try and get my financial situation in order.  You know, such as the student loan, old debts I have ignored due to buying food and gas, and possibly put a small amount in savings. I am starting a new position next week (still a therapist).  The pay is better and it is closer to home so less gas expenditures. Today was my last day at my previous position.  It was difficult.  I worked there for almost four years and have made some close friends with my co workers.  It was also difficult to say good bye to my clients.  In the position I worked I spend 6 hrs a day 5 days a week with the clients. You tend to establish strong rapport that way.  The days were often long but they were never dull. I was honestly touched by how appreciative and thoughtful they were when the day finally ended and it was time for goodbye.

Sometimes I think life is like a book and when you complete one chapter another one begins.

September 29, 2013

NEW CHALLENGES TO CONQUER

Summer is over and fall is here.  My daughter is now 17 yrs old and growing up to be an amazing young lady.  I've spent most of those years raising my daughter and I found it easy to forget about myself and my own needs.  Now suddenly I am facing the fact that my daughter will be going to college in a couple of years and I will be left with.....well me.  I know I still have my career and yes I am what is known as workaholic. It is easy for me to consume myself with work and raising my daughter.  However, what happens after my daughter starts having her own life?  Since I have spent so much of my time being a single parent I now face a situation where I will be an empty nest.   Not only an empty nest but a single empty nest.  I don't make a lot of time to socialize.  I suppose this is partially because I am busy but also because it is easy to live on my own and not have to introduce someone into my OCD/Tourette life.  Yet there is still a part of me that wants to have someone special to share things with.

The problem is since I am now older and more set in my ways I am not sure how to even start to socialize. Nevertheless, begin a social life and then have to explain my chemical imbalances with someone new. This lead me to another thought.  How does one make polite conversation with others?  I have never really mastered the art of polite superficial conversation.  I am more apt to be comfortable in a discussion about chemical imbalances and treatments. I spend most of my days in a professional manner. So it looks like I have some new challenges to conquer.