President Elect Trump: Fear and Uncertainty is Causing Too Much Panic

I am sitting at my Ikea desk right now reflecting on what seems to be occurring right now in the the United States.  I am reading news and viewing things on the social media about the climate of my country. People are protesting, angry and bitter posts are cropping up all over, and stress and anxiety have spiked for many.  I think it spirals down to one thing... Uncertainty.

Many of us right now (myself included) are concerned about the future and what it will mean for us and our families.  I voted as many people also have stated they did,  for what I felt was the lesser of two evils.  I think with Hillary Clinton there was a feeling that although she was not the "ideal" candidate, we at least knew what we were getting into.   There was a sense of familiarity in voting for her.  Contrarily, there was the other candidate Donald Trump who appeared to be a wild card.  He often appeared arrogant, abrasive,  and did not seem to have a filter when it came to speaking his mind.

Well here is the thing...I didn't really know either of them.  I like most Americans, could only make decisions based on what we  saw or heard from media, speeches, and rallies.   I voted for the candidate who I viewed had more experience with working in the government and advocating for the rights of others.   Well guess what?  My candidate did not get elected..

So now we have President Elect Donald Trump.   Am I concerned?  Do I have some fear?  Am I curious as to what having him as the President will mean for my family and I?  Of course I am.   I have no idea who Donald Trump really is.  I was honestly not impressed by how he presented himself on  television or on the social media but that does not mean that he is evil incarnate either.

I have decided that  I want to see what Mr. Trump does once he officially takes the office of the Presidency to determine whether or not I support his beliefs or not.   I have also decided that I will believe in this country's governmental system that was developed  hundreds of years ago to prevent one individual from having too much power.

I hope I am right..but I feel that my beliefs are a lot more rational then fleeing the country I was born in right away or initiating more fear by condemning the beliefs of others.

What is Family

Today I  am reflecting on family.  When I became a mother 20 yrs ago I made a decision that the one thing I  was going to give to my daughter was the knowledge that she is loved.  I  know that as  parents we try our best to guide our children to make good choices in life and to find happiness along their journeys However,  another thing I  wanted to impart to my daughter is that she is loved and accepted for who she is and will become.

As a child, my parents provided us with a roof over our heads and materials comfort.   I believe the term was upper middle class.  The one thing that was lacking was emotional nurturing.  I don'the know, maybe it was because I  was born into a family where children were to be "seen and not heard" or maybe my parents were raised by emotionally distant parents themselves. I just know that to this day I  do not feel an emotional connection to my mother.  My father passed away 2 yrs ago.  He was a hard worker and always made sure we had food,  clothing, and shelter.   However, did I  really know my dad..not really.  My parents never really understood mental illness.  My mother still doesn't.   She still uses terms to refer to people with mental health issues  as "those people are crazy."  Sometimes I  want to turn to her and say,"Hey mom, I  am one of those people. "  She often mentioned that I  use my disorders as a crutch when I  try to explain that I  sometimes need self care or when I  state I am doing the best I can in my life.  I  always  have to hear that other people have problems so "deal with it."  I sometimes get tired of trying to explain myself .

So I  decided that the one thing I  am going to try to give my daughter is compassion and acceptance.   True I can not necessarily give my daughter all the material things my parents have provided me
I am grateful for those things.  Yet, I  can not help feeling that my parents understanding who I am and taking an interest in my life as well as their granddaughter would have meant as much.

Thus, I chose a slightly different route.  I try to take an interest in my daughter's life. I  parent but I  also try to listen as well.  My daughter is really an amazing young woman.   I an so proud of the person  she is becoming.

 I  wish I  could say that my mother  could say the same for me.  But then she would actually have to have taken the time to get to know me. I  know my mother loves me.  It's just that I have never really felt it...

Once Upon a Time: A Truth About Happily Ever After

 I  admit that when I watch an episode of "Once Upon a Time" and a character mentions that they want their happily ever after by finding their "true love," I cringe.  Why, because I am realistic. I'm not saying that there can not be happiness involved in finding love. I am saying that life does not suddenly stop when you find that someone that you love. What fairy tale endings do not reflect is that being in a relationship does not suddenly solve all of life's problems or fulfill all our hopes and dreams.  Being with your "true love"  or "soulmate" does not mean that our struggles suddenly stop or we will no longer face challenges because lets face it, that's a part of life.  

What I do think is that if you find that special person they can enhance the quality of your existence and help you find strength and support on your life's journey.  As the quote above notes real life is about both tears and laughter.  Hopefully, more laughter than tears, but still essentially living bestows us both.  Also, if you think about it many fairy tales do not end with a happy ending because the characters make poor choices that irreparably damages their lives and they have to except the reality of their choices.

Now to return to the show "Once Upon a Time."   I have noticed in this sixth season that they seem to be expanding on their previous short version of find "true love = happy ending."  For instance Snow White and Prince Charming have found one another over and over.. so now what?  Snow thinks perhaps she wants to teach again.(I realize if you do not watch Once Upon a Time you probably have no idea what I am referring to, but just go with it..)  The point is that it's nice to see some growth on the show.  If you are going to go on for six seasons I say give the audience more. Why? Because while it is nice to believe that we will all meet someone and be happy forever and ever..it just is not reality.  I like a show with some depth.

I truly believe that life is more than just getting to a destination.  It is the journey we travel as we gain experiences that helps us develop and grow as individuals.  I also believe that we continue these journeys as long as we are alive and open to new experiences.  That's what makes living an adventure.....

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Sorry doctor, cancer is not an option, I simply can't afford it.

The excitement of aging encompasses yearly physicals which includes new and thrilling tests such as bone density scans and mammograms.  During my most recent exam one of my physicians (Everytime I visit the practice I meet a new doctor or PA because they keep leaving the practice), discovered a nodule on my thyroid.   Naturally this led to a thyroid ultrasound.  This was fairly simple, I pay a copay for the physical, another copay for the follow up to discuss the physical, and one more copay to complete the ultrasound.  I then return to pay another copay for the results of the ultrasound.   So let's see, that is 4 visits at $35 each for a total of $140.  Okay not too bad so far.

Next I discover my nodule is 2 cm which according to my most recent PA (sorry, can't recall his name), means I need to have a fine needle biopsy done.  I leave the office with my blood pressure prescriptions and the name of a few endocrinologists.

I then do some Google research to learn more about thyroid nodules, fine needle biopsies, and thyroid cancer.  I am pleased to discover that 90% of thyroid nodules are benign. Additionally,  thyroid cancer if discovered is most often the easiest cancer to treat.

I then make a few calls and schedule an appointment with my new endocrinologist specialist.  My copay for specialists is $50. So, slightly more money.  Since I have my first appointment during my vacation week I go visit the office to return to them the package of completed paperwork they mailed to me.  I discover that my pending appointment is a consultation.  Basically this is a meet-and-greet with the specialist. I pay $50 for the privilege.  I ensured my records were sent from my primary care office (I've heard horror stories about records not being sent).

I had my meet-and-greet this morning.  I sat with the doc for approximately 15 minutes where we, again, reviewed why I was visiting.  She agreed that a needle biopsy was warranted due to its size of 1 cm (evidently, the nodule shrunk a centimeter between offices). I left the office with another referral to a lab that does biopsies, x-rays, and ultrasounds, and $50 follow up appointment the following month to discuss the results of the biopsy.

To review, I am adding another $100 to my initial $140 in co-pays.

I then go to the lab to schedule my biopsy. I called my insurance company to find that I have to meet my $3500 deductible for the lab.  So...I have to pay for both the cost of the biopsy and the reading of the biopsy.   Fortunately,  the lab bills the insurance first so I do not have to pay upfront. This is a good thing because if I had to pay first, my biopsy would most likely be delayed several months since my bill debtors and utilities really are not interested in my medical issues.

I am hopeful that my nodule will be found benign and I will simply have to monitor it yearly for any growth. Of course since it appears to be shrinking in size between offices I am again hopeful!

 The issue is this...what if this nodule is found to be cancerous?  What happens then? I'm not so worried about the cancer problem as I am the cost of trying to cure it.  See, like most others I live paycheck to paycheck.  I do not have $3500 to spend on treatment before I meet my deductible.   Case in point,  last year I broke my bridge and the cost for a new one is $2500. I  am still walking around with this same bridge.   So $3500 is pretty much out.

What do I say to my car loan lenders? Sorry I need to treat cancer and meet my deductible so you are not getting paid for 2 months.  That should go over well.  Perhaps I can get that empower for my electricity.. Sorry cox communications you are a luxury and besides who needs coping skills to manage the stress of cancer anyway.  I refuse to acknowledge rent at this time.  I mean hey having cancer and being homeless at the same time..hell, a dream come true..no stress there.

The way I see it, in the likelihood that I  have cancer, I have two options.  First, I can pay my deductible and treat my cancer.  This will be followed by either homelessness and car repossession or both.  But hell I will have my health, right? The second option is to continue to pay my bills and work and try to save up money to pay for my deductible.   I  might become more ill or possibly die but I will have a roof over my head, food, a car to buy food, and electricity to cook the food.

The thing is..this is reality..because my income is too high to qualify for Medicaid I pay $196 a month for health insurance through work.  However, since I live paycheck to paycheck I can not afford the deductible if I need it.  I have met with many people who are impoverished trying to come up with money to pay for their medical bills.

Why is it other countries have free medical care for their citizens but the great USA does not?  I find it astonishing that I am more concerned about the financial repercussions of possibly having cancer then I am about having cancer itself.

Tell me, is there something wrong with this society that allows its citizens to feel this way?

SOME WORDS OF WISDOM BY RALPH WALDO EMERSON

Let me start by saying I do not believe in making New Year resolutions.   I find too many people make very generalized goals such as "I am going to lose weight this year or I am going to quit smoking" without any plan of how they are going to achieve those goals.    What often happens, is that after a month or so the drive to obtain the goals decreases and eventually there is no follow through.   Then an individual may berate themselves over yet another "failure" which causes decreased self-esteem, frustration,  and sometimes depression.

However, that does not mean I don't believe in starting the New Year with an optimistic view.  I find that inspirational quotes by the legendary  poet, lecturist, and essayist,  Ralph Waldo Emerson, reflect the power an individual has in creating and determining their own destiny. 


"The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be.  "

This quote instructs us that we determine the paths we choose to follow in life.    It states that we as individuals create our own destiny.   I'm not saying that outside factors can not influence our choices but ultimately we make the choice on how we respond to those factors.   Some ideas to help find that destiny include: finding things in our lives that make us smile and laugh,  make some time in your life to play,  listen to your intuition, celebrate your small victories,  and be gentle with yourself. 

 So often people become frustrated if they do not succeed in an endeavor right away.   Life is about growth, learning, and change.   How can we grow if we don't make mistakes?  If something does not work out for us that is a sign that we need to make a change somewhere.  Many of our role models have struggled first before they achieved their desired goals.    Also do not let anyone tell you what your limits are.   That is for you to decide and no one else.  


"Nothing can bring you peace but yourself."

Once again this quotes empowers the individual to choose how we are affected by the external world.  It allows us the idea that we make the decision to either live in suffering or peacefulness.   That is not to say that we can not feel pain, loss, or sadness.  It just means that we can make the decision not to wallow in that misery.  It says we are able to find peace within ourselves by believing in our strengths and honoring our achievements.  Most of all I think it means celebrating our own uniqueness as individuals.   

There is a reason it is stated that "there is no one else quite like you."  It's true.   Each and every one of us have are own special qualities and traits. 


 Wouldn't it me nice to start this new year off by appreciating all that is you?

DEFINE NORMAL - FIND THE COURAGE TO STAY STRONG

  

I did something amazing 34 years ago.   I decided to not give up.   I admit I wanted to.   I really, really,wanted  to.  I was tired, confused, overwhelmed,and frightened.  I had no idea what was wrong with me.   At times I was seemingly "normal."   I had friends, interests, hobbies, and dreams.  Other times I was someone else.   A secret person who I did not understand.    This someone had thoughts that would bother her until she acted out in compulsive behaviors to mollify those thoughts.   This someone also had other compulsions such as twitching or vocalizing sounds when the urge came on to do so.   I can remember as far back as 6 yrs old lining up my the stuffed animals I slept with every night in just the "right"way.   If I did not get it "right" I would proceed to jump in and  out of bed the number of time my current age and repeat.  

 I was 18 years old the time I contemplated giving up.  I didn't really have a plan.  I just knew I wanted it to stop.  I was tired of living two lives. My brain was exhausted from unrelenting thoughts that drove me to perform odd ritualistic behaviors.  I had just graduated high school and was going to start college in a few months.   I so scared.  I  made it through that summer though.  True, I ended up pulling out most of my eyebrows and eye lashes during those summer months.  My college career began with my wearing lots of eye liner pencil. The crux is I did not give up.  I didn't allow my fear and exhaustion to overtake me to a point of no return.  

How did I manage?  Honestly, I would find small things to keep me going and look forward to.  If I recall, that summer I reminded myself that I wanted to watch episodes of my favorite television show.  When I was younger, television and actors played a large part in my drive to keep going.  In later years, I was determined to graduate college, despite what I viewed were my short comings.  I became focused on winning the prize which was my diploma.  I worked, dated,  went to parties, and did other "normal" activities.  However, I continued to live my "double" life.   It was hard letting people get too close because of my "issues."  

I was 31 years old when I was finally able to give names to my "oddities."    I was diagnosed with chemical imbalances called Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Tourettes Syndrome.  Although I had already developed coping skills to live with my disorders,  it was so freeing to learn that my oddities were chemical imbalances and not the result of some deep Freudian thought caused by my unconscious mind that needed to be unlocked.   

Eventually, I graduated with both a bachelor and a masters degree.   My initial career focus was to become a criminal attorney but I decided that my passion was more focused in counseling.   I got married,  divorced, then lived in "sin" for many years and gave birth to my daughter.  I have been a therapist for 17 yrs now.   I love what I do.   At my place of employment we have a rehabilitation site on the lower level.  The day before the long July 4th weekend we had a barbecue for the clients who attend.  When I went downstairs  I watched the client's smiling and laughing and seeming to have a great time.   Many of those client have battled and overcome situations that I can not even fathom.   However, there they were eating and laughing.  It makes me smile.

My point is this.........If I had given up on myself all those years ago,  I would not have been around to experience many of the joys in my life.   I would not have held my new born daughter in my arms,  met so many of the wonderful people who are now in my life,  enjoyed a career that has given me so much pleasure,  watch my daughter receive her high school diploma,  and most recently visiting Scotland with my daughter(graduation/birthday present) to see a movie premier of a favorite actor and take in all the beauty of that country.    

I am not saying that life is not without challenges.  What I am saying  is that sometimes we have to go through those challenges to able to appreciate and embrace the wonders of life.   So whenever I feel "challenged" I look at my daughter to remind myself of what I would have missed out on if I had allowed my depression to overcome me all those years ago. 

#AlwaysKeepFighting

HOPE: # AlwaysKeepFighting

My daughter graduated from high school last week.  I watched proudly as she and approximately 640 seniors in her graduating class of 2015 received their diplomas that May evening.   However, there were two classmates who also graduated with diplomas but were not present to receive them.   One classmate died of leukemia earlier that year and the other took a gun to school and shot himself despite school staff pleading with him to stop, a week before his graduation.  I can not begin to imagine the grief and loss those two families are experiencing.  Two beloved children, one lost to a medical illness, the other lost to a another type of illness, invisible but no less deadly. 

According to the World Health Organization, 350 million people are affected by depression with an estimated 1 million deaths by suicide a year.  Those are staggering figures.  But this blog is not about statistics.   This blog is about those millions of individual experiencing symptoms of depression that fight on a daily basis sometimes moment to moment...to live.  I am a twitter junkie (for lack of a better term), and recently I came across a "hash tag" started by an actor who struggles with bouts of depression; #AlwaysKeepFighting.  

What an inspirational idea to help battle depression.  Too often people with depression feel isolated and alone.  They suffer in silence and at times even put on a "front" so as to not "burden" family and friends.  When what is really needed is to reach out for support from family, friends, professionals, and sometimes a support group, even social media.   I hear a lot of grumbling about the dangers of social media with bulling and threats, but there is also a positive side.  I am not in anyway saying that social media can replace professional support but if someone is feeling hopeless it might be a place to start.  The fact that a popular actor can reach out to friends and family, and his fans about his disorder, can give a "ray" of hope to someone who is not able to ask for help.

HOPE, is such a short word that says so much.  Hope is the belief that things will get better.  That the stress or pain you are feeling is temporary and will eventually pass.  It's the mind set that as long as you continue to fight and endure you have a chance that things will inevitably get better.  

Here are a few ways to help instill hope.   Remind yourself what you are grateful for.  Too often, people focus on what they have lost such as health, family, friends, income..etc.  They continue to live in the past rather then focusing on the present and what they do have.  Appreciate what you do have, daily. 

Also, think about the people in your life who love you.  Sometimes we feel alone even though we are really not.  We do not have to have significant others to be loved.  Family and friends are also sources of love.  Reach out to them, even if it is not to discuss you depression, sometimes talking to a loved one makes us feel just a little more hopeful.  

Another way to inspire hope is to do self care.  Do something nice for yourself, give yourself something to look forward to.  When I was an adolescent, I used to look forward to watching a favorite television show.  It was not much but it was enough to keep me going until that following day or week.  

It kept me fighting... so that decades later I could sit with other proud parents and watch my daughter receive her diploma.  

Don't give up hope. #AlwaysKeepFighting

Once Upon a Time, Be The Hero Of Your Own Story

One of my favorite shows is ABC's "Once Upon a Time."   For those who have never heard or seen the show, it is based on fairy tale characters from another land thrown into our world by a curse.   Each season the characters are challenged by pivotal situations that tie into a central theme.   Earlier this year the show emphasized the strength of family bonds.  The second half of the season is focusing on what traits constitute heroes and villains.  The writers presented back stories for the two main "villains" by showing how external forces and poor choices led them to become who they are today.  The two characters are not really "evil" but are not "model" citizens either.

Anyway, the whole hero vs villain theme started me pondering on heroism.  How do we define heroism? Can we be our own hero?  Stories tell us heroes take chances, they are said to be courageous, and are risk takers.  The news presents stories of someone running into a fire to save a life or creating a vaccine that cures an illness.

However,  in actuality,  heroism is much more simple.  Haven't we all tried something that we are unsure of?  For instance,  speaking in front of a crowd when you have social anxiety or going out on a date after your heart has been broken.   A child who turns his night light off for the first time is courageous. Isn't' that taking a chance?  Any time you take a risk you demonstrate courage.  So what’s stopping us from being the heroes of our own story.  Our reality is what we make of it.

We all have it within ourselves to become the heroes we strive to be. We can change how we interpret our past, how we view ourselves in response, and how we live today as a result.

Being the author of our own story allows us to see opportunities and become inspired by choices that come before us.  Our successes are a result of the choices we make.  We our the creative writers of our own life scripts and play the leading role.   No one else can live our lives for us.

So take credit for your achievements, acknowledge your strengths, and become your own hero.

Achieve Your Dreams and Goals Do Not Make Resolutions

In the New Year it seems like everyone makes resolutions;  lose weight, stop smoking, eat healthier, spend more time with family etc.....   Then what happens, one day you don't feel like going to the gym or you just have to have that doughnut that someone brought into the office.  You begin to slowly slide back into old patterns and before you know it you say to yourself, "The hell with this, I will quit next year."  Thus, the spiral continues..

Here is the thing,  I do not believe in making resolutions.   That is not to say I don't believe in making changes, I do, or I would not be working in the behavioral health field.   However, the danger in making resolutions is that they do not really have any substance.  They often are simply statements without any plan on how to follow through.   Change, real change, requires planned steps on how to make the change, putting supports in place, and plans if you slip so you do not completely give up.

Change requires passion.  Passion creates the motivation that drives us to do whatever or wherever we a trying to go or achieve.   So lets say someone decides to quit smoking because their wife/husband/doctor tells them they should.    If their heart is not really into it there is a strong chance that they will  not succeed in this endeavor.   However,  if someone decides to quit smoking because it effects their breathing when they do an activity that they love there is a stronger likely hood that this individual will follow through with their goal.   That is not to say that they might slip or slide backwards at times, but they are more likely to have a better outcome.  

So what are you passionate about?  Is there some dream you want to accomplish?  Do you want a career change? Do you desire to be healthier?   Consider it.  Is it feasible?  Is there a likely chance that you can achieve your desire or goal?  If so, take a small step, create a short term goal.  It might be that you need to do some research so research it.  Then make some more tiny steps.  Most of the time is a good idea to have an approximate time frame to complete your steps.   Additionally, it is beneficial to map out possible barriers to your progress in order to prepare for set backs.   If you do have a set back do not let it waver your motivation.    Life is unpredictable at times and sometimes we have to adjust our dreams and goals.  Have supports in place and remind yourself  why you want to accomplish your goal.

One of my present goals is to travel more.   Recently,  I have spent most of my time raising my daughter and focusing on my career,  and of course keeping a roof over our heads.    However, my daughter is now a young woman heading for college in the fall of this year and I am currently satisfied with my career.   The one thing I have thought about but not made any steps towards is traveling.  My first destination is Scotland.  Like most others I live paycheck to paycheck,  so I have to do some planning.   I am currently working on getting all my monthly payments paid ahead of time so I have some extra money to put away.   Next, I will take the bonuses I get and put a portion of that aside.   I have a tentative schedule of late spring to actually go on the trip.  So I am looking for package deals on the internet for the end of May early June.   I would like to do this as a graduation present for my daughter and a birthday gift for myself.    If something happens between now and April where I find I cannot pay for the trip then I will adjust my schedule.  My point is that I want to make this happen and pending any emergencies I plan on trying to achieve my goal.   

The one thing I have discovered this past year is life is short and change is eminent.   I have always been a creature of habit and stepping out of my comfort zone is scary.  

 However, if you don't take the step you may never know what wonderful opportunities you might miss!

MY FATHER

My father passed away tonight.    He was suffering from pulmonary heart failure.   It's almost been a year since he began to be experience severe symptoms and he spent much of the past year in and out of hospitals.  However, despite all his hospitalizations this past year, I refused to believe that my father would succumb to his illness.

I thought to myself, this is my father we are talking about.  My father is the strongest man I know.  He is the person who was always there to protect his daughters.  He was a man who commanded  respect from others because of his dynamic personality and leadership skills.   He was a man who was always there for his family even if he did not always agree to choices they made.    I still recall my father walking me down the aisle telling me it was still "not too late to call off the wedding."   My perceptive parents knew long before I did that my future husband was not a good "fit."    Dad had an opinion about most things and more half the time he was right.   

When I was young, my dad always seemed larger then life.   He was a tall man with broad shoulders and heavily built.  He spoke in a vociferous voice no matter what the occasion, and always seemed self assured.   When dad was in a room his presence was always evident.   In reflection, I always felt my father could do anything.   He seemed invincible.  He was my first role model.   So naturally when he became ill this past year,  I thought my dad would overcome this too.    However, aging affects all of us eventually, and even my "larger then life" father could not prevail over getting older and the ill health that comes with it.   

I would love to say I was the perfect daughter, but of course that 's not true.   As many people do,  I became engrossed  in my own life, raising my daughter, and focusing on my career that I did not spend as much time as with my parents as I could have.    Even after my father was diagnosed with pulmonary heart failure,  I still continued to focus on my own path and did not change my schedule enough to spend time with him.  I kept telling myself I had time.     

   

What I have learned this past year is that in being human we are all fallible.    I will take with me this life experience to not take for granted the people I love.   No matter how busy or full life gets, we only have this short time on earth to spend with them.  I don't want to waste another minute of it.   

FOR MY DAUGHTER

My Dearest Daughter, 

Your father once told me that you can never really experience unconditional love until you have child.  I'm sure there are those who would disagree, but for me it is so true.   For the past 18 yrs I have watched you grow from a spirited, enthusiastic young girl to the vibrant, self-motivated young woman you are becoming.   When I look at you I see a young woman who is strong-willed, quick witted, and empathic.  You are intelligent, insightful, with a dash of sarcasm (that runs in both side of your family).  I am so proud of you!  

I realize that your are 18 yrs old now and you are just starting to make more decisions about your life.  I hope your father and I have provided you with the support and guidance you need to begin making those choices.   As with most parents (notice I did not say all), I would try and protect you from making those decisions that will cause you pain.  However, making choices even the wrong ones, helps you continue to grow as a person.   Mistakes are part of life, you have to make a few so you can learn from them.   I believe that life is a journey and we have to experience it or we don't live at all.   I also deem that we create our own luck and destinies by following our dreams (whatever they are).

However, what I want you to know more then anything my daughter,  is that you are loved.   Unconditionally, absolutely loved.


Forever, 

Your Mother

MINDFULNESS, DON'T WORRY BE HAPPY, LIVE LIFE!

Although I realize it is impossible for anyone to be happy all the time, I have come to the conclusion that many of us spend more time then we should worrying.  We worry about finances, health problems, what careers to choose, what clothes to wear, are our lives fulfilling?, do we fit in? etc....... I am not saying we should not be prepared or set future goals.  I am saying that some of the things we worry about on a daily basis keeps us from enjoying the present.

Someone wise once said, "Live every day as if it were your last."  Personally, I find that a bit extreme but I agree with the general philosophy of the statement.

Lately, I have become a strong advocate for "mindfulness."   Mindfulness is a state of active, open attention on the present.  When you are mindful, you observe your thoughts and feelings from a distance without judging them good or bad.  Instead of letting your life pass you by, mindfulness means living in the moment and awakening to experience.    "The Mindfulness and Acceptance Workbook for Anxiety," provides excellent guidelines to do just that.  It demonstrates techniques to help focus on the present so that worries, anxieties, and fears are no longer barriers from moving forward.   I have been sharing this book with my groups but I have found it helpful in my own life.

Another bit of knowledge I find useful is self care.  Even when confronted with obstacles such as financial stress, family health issues, and constant shedding of animal hair, it is important to find something to make life pleasurable.   I want to stress that when I say pleasurable I am talking about healthy activities that will not cause harm to self or others.  Activities can range from exercising, spending time with family and friends, listening to music, volunteering, writing, reading a good book, getting a massage, soaking up the sun, watching a movie (with Robert Carlyle in it in my case), or 101 or so other things.  

The point is happiness comes from within.  Find it, live it, and enjoy it.

SPEAKING FROM THE HEART

March 16, 2014

When I was  younger I spent a lot of time trying to find the hidden key that would unlock my subconscious and take way my peculiar thoughts and behaviors.  Then  I discovered I had a chemical imbalance.  Low and behold,  there were  no subconscious thoughts that needed to be discovered and worked out (I am not a big fan of old Freud, I should add).  It was a chemical imbalance in my brain (serotonin)  that was either not produced enough or produced too much, I forget at the moment.  Either way, I can not express how freeing it was.  Here I spent years wondering what the f*** was wrong with me to discover that it was an imbalance.  I was 31 yrs old when I learned about OCD.  I learned that other's had it and that there were even ways to manage it (medication/CBT).

I recall the first time I read the book "The Boy Who Could Not Stop Washing" referred by the therapist I was working with.  I sat on my bed and cried out of relief. That knowledge changed my life.  It changed how I viewed myself.  I didn't view myself as an oddity any longer because I had an illness.  A real illness that was treatable.

When I decided to become a therapist myself years later it was with the belief that I could educate and support others so that they did not have through years of uncertainty as I had.  I love what I do (sorry mom and dad, I know you were hoping I would become an attorney).  I hope in my modest way that I do make a difference for others.  I don't often get to see the results of what I do, and honestly that's okay.  I have met so many people through my work and have learned more about courage and strength then I ever imagined was possible.  The blog was my way of sharing that wisdom with others.  Though when I think about it now I think it was as much for me as it was for the "others" I was hoping to inspire.  After all writing is therapeutic.

I am writing this because I think that when you work in this field for awhile as I have,  it is easy to become complacent and think you know know it all.  Last week I met someone who really touched my heart and reminded me of why I do what I do.  She also reminded me that my work is more than just sharing little inspirational blogs.

So speaking from the heart, as my daughter reminded me to do the other day, I want to express my gratitude to the clients who I have gotten to know and work with all these years.  I have learned more about life and courage through you and have become a better person because of you.  I hope that I will continue to carry this knowledge and not lose sight of why I became a therapist in the first place.

Thank You,

Pam

RESILIENCY

March 1, 2014



RESILIENCY

When I began this post, I initially began to research resilience definitions and what articles considered to be the traits of a resilient person.  From there I got stuck.  Why repeat what other articles have already pointed out.  Is seems redundant somehow.  I also received some good feedback from my daughter who noted that although what I have written in some of my posts are good, but, they have been said before.  She suggested i speak a little more like who really I am, blunt and passionate.  Speak from the heart.

I used to think that living with a chemical imbalance made me unique. though what  I have worked with hundreds of clients and I have listened to stories that make some lifetime movies appear docile.  Due to confidentiality I can not share those stories here.  But the strength and tenacity that some of my client's have displayed in their lives astounds me. 

However, what I know best is myself.  I could have given up on myself numerous times.  Point in fact, I once told a therapist who I was working with after I separated from my daughter's father, that I thought it might be nice to go to a psychiatric hospital to have someone take care of me for once. He laughed (chuckled actually) and informed me that after I worked with him I was going to look back on that statement and laugh (yeah, I did, eventually). I was tired, really tired.  It's hard enough to try and survive in a world that demands you pay bills, debts, and have a full time job (or two) in order to do just that. Let's not even discuss having a social or love life.  Then throw in a chemical imbalance for fun to mix things up a little. 



Yet, here I am nine years later, working a full time job, paying bills (I even caught up on a few debts), and actually enjoying myself sometimes.  I can honestly say that I like the person I have become.  It took a long time to get there and that's not to say that I won't experience other stumbling blocks in the future.  But I have something I like to call resilience.......

A MOTHER'S WORDS OF WISDOM TO HER DAUGHTER: MOMISMS

1. Never shave your chin hair when you have the flu(if you are a woman): Do not take the easy way out.

2. If you find a good hairdresser, stick with them: If you find someone you work well with, hell, stick with them.

3. Always have an animal of some sort in your life: They are very nurturing.

4. Yes, it is nice to have good credit, but it is not the most important thing in the scheme of life.  How many grave stones have you read that said " She had good credit."

5. Be sure to like the person you are. After all, people will come and go in your life but you are always with you.

6. Do not feel like you have to be in a relationship so you will not "die alone."  After all, we almost always do.

7. Take the time to try and enjoy something about each day. Life is indeed what we make it.  We may not always be able to control what happens in our lives but we can choose how we react.

THANK YOU MR ROBERT CARLYLE

Thank You Mr. Robert Carlyle

Christmas Eve 2013

I admit to feeling overly sentimental tonight.  For the past week my father has been in the hospital. There are two conflicting opinions on what might be wrong with him.  One diagnosis is less serious then the other and my father’s cardiologist is on vacation until next week.  However, for now my father is in good hands and stable which is the important thing.   So that being said,  the pending Christmas festivities have been put on  hold.  My mother, emotionally drained  just wanted to go home and get some rest tonight.  My sister is with her new husband’s family up north.  My daughter spends Christmas Eve with her father every year.

So the prospect of spending Christmas Eve alone tonight seemed dismal.  I realize tonight is really just another day but it signifies family togetherness.  So after the family called and texted one another best holiday wishes and I dropped my daughter off at her dad’s and extended more good holiday wishes, I reckoned I had to make some decisions for myself.  The way I figured it I had two options.  The first option was to return home, lament about absence of family and friends on the holiday and remind myself of all I a missing.  The second option was to figure out how to make the best out of this evening by reminding  myself to appreciate all the things I do have.  Then find some healthy distractions and look forward to a relaxing evening with my furry companions. 

I have a few ways to relax when feeling troubled, I read, I sing (fortunately for my neighbors I have a good voice if I do say so myself, and I do),  and I also enjoy movies and television. I love theater as well but not an option tonight.  So, first  I stopped off at Barnes and Nobles and bought a book.  Next, I stopped and picked up some pad thai. However, once I got home I realized I did not want to read.  Ever have one of those times when you read the same line over and over but your mind is somewhere else? This was one of those times.  Even after a full stomach of pad thai I found my mind creeping towards melancholy. 

So this is the part where Mr. Carlyle comes in.  Last summer my teenager introduced me to the show “Once Upon a Time.”  I sat down with my daughter one evening as she was watching and found myself gripped.   I was especially captivated by the character of Rumpelstiltskin.  The actor playing the part was absolutely amazing.  Needless to say I have been watching the show ever since.  One night my curiosity got the best of me and I decided I needed to find out just who that actor was who plays the part of Rumpelstiltskin. After an internet search, I discovered the part was played by a Scottish actor, Robert Carlyle. I had been meaning to watch some of his films but had not yet had the occasion to do so.  Well, tonight seemed like the perfect night to do just that.  I discovered Mr. Carlyle is indeed a gifted and versatile actor.  

Initially, I thought tonight was going to be a tough evening to get through. Instead it was entertaining and enjoyable.  True,  problems don’t necessarily disappear because of watching a movie or two, but for a few blessed hours I forgot about problems and enjoyed.   Additionally, one does not have to suffer the damaging after effects of chemical induced alternatives.   

So thank you again Mr. Carlyle, for sharing your wonderful talent.  I really can't even begin to tell you what a difference it made for me this evening.

IS THERE A PURPOSE TO LIFE?

Is there a Purpose in Life?

Is Life about the Journey or the Destination?

In one of my groups a few weeks ago, a client was struggling to figure out her purpose in life. She commented that she knew she has some purpose because she has survived many incidences and was still alive.  However, she could not seem to grasp just what that purpose might be.  Later, I began to consider this question.

Personally, I have never really considered what purpose my life serves to others, except maybe to my daughter and family.  In being a therapist I would like to think that my clients gain something from working with me.   Many years ago, a former supervisor once stated to me that her goal as a therapist/counselor/social worker/clinician, etc…was that if someone felt more hopeful after talking with her she did her job.  I guess that is they way I have always thought of my work.  Clients come in to talk to me because they want to make some change in their lives and help improve the quality of it.  If someone feels better after talking to me than I feel I have done my job.

When I was a young adult I worked with a social worker from JFCS due to my “odd” behaviors.   In those days chemical imbalances were not so easily diagnosed and no one (including the social worker) ever mentioned that maybe my symptoms might be caused by conditions known as OCD and Tourettes (that came 10 yrs later).  However, although my therapist did not identify the actual causes of my issues, I did feel  much better after talking to her.   I felt less “crazy," more accepted, not so alone in the world.   I felt like those fleeting thoughts of hopelessness, were just that, fleeting thoughts. Perhaps, along with my own tenaciousness, one of the reasons I am still here, able to write this, is because she inspired some hope for me. That, is the true reason I chose the field I work in.  I know what it is like to experience the confusion and isolation that sometimes comes with mental illness. 

Most of the time I don’t ever see the results of  my work.  People come and share their storis with me and then eventually move on with  their lives.  Every once in a while a former client might stop by to thank me for the support and encouragement I provided but that rarely happens.  Honestly, that is fine by me. I don’t need to see the end results I just love working with my clients.  

The other role in my life is raising my daughter.  I strive to let her know she is loved and hopefully I support her in the way she needs, so she can discover her own adventures.   I enjoy being a parent and watching my daughter grow up into a remarkable young woman.  I often tell her that I not only love her but I admire and respect the person she is growing up to be.   Being a parent is amazing.   My daughter’s father  once commented to me that one can not describe what it is to love a child you simply have to live it.  He was right. 

I think life is a discovery.  Sometimes we do not like what we find.  Other times our discoveries illuminate the course we decide to travel.  Existence is like melody always changing never stopping.  

So, is life about the journey or the destination?  Perhaps it is both.

FRIENDSHIP

“I think if I've learned anything about friendship, it's to hang in, stay connected, fight for them, and let them fight for you. Don't walk away, don't be distracted, don't be too busy or tired, don't take them for granted. Friends are part of the glue that holds life and faith together. Powerful stuff.” 
― Jon Katz




     A few months ago I facilitated a group on the importance of friendships in enriching our lives and improving our emotional and mental health. What I realized later is that I do not always practice what I preach.  Here I was explaining to my clients that friendships increase our sense of belonging and purpose, reduce stress, and help us cope with major changes in our lives such divorce or loss.  Yet my social life has been slim at best for the past few years.  Sure, I could tell myself that as a single parent it is easy to become consumed with day to day life such as going to work, making sure my daughter is healthy and happy, daily chores, and in my case caring for my menagerie of animals.  Or I can tell myself that I am too busy to have social life or I am happy to isolate on weekends because I spent my days at work surrounded by people.  I fill my time on weekends with my daughter, reading,watching television or movies (bless Netflix), chores, shopping, and sometimes walking outside (when not 115) for exercise.  So, I tell myself, "You have a full life, you don't really need a social life.  It's not like you stay home and isolate.  You are always out and about."

     Never-the-less, here I am with the dawning of understanding that even with my career and my "busy" life I am lacking one critical area in my own life, "socialization."  Although, it is true some people tend to be more social then others, as social animals it is important for us to have companionship.  In my late 20's and early 30's I was much more social.  I was not yet a parent and I was still searching for "mister someone right" to start a family with.  I worked for the Superior Court at that time (someone suggested that I work for the court to see if I liked the legal field. I didn't, that's why I am a therapist) and there were plenty of co workers and men in suits (I like a man in a suit). I flirted, dated, went out for karaoke nights. Yes, it was a one big whirlwind of fun.  Somewhere along the line I met my daughter's father (yes, he wears a suit) and my life changed.  It did not happen right away but slowly I began to see my friends less and less. We began to drift apart and eventually lost touch.  Again, it was easy to blame motherhood, my significant other, and my budding new career as an excuse for losing touch with friends, but that is really what it was, an excuse.

     The truth is somewhere along the line within that time period, a close friend hurt me by explaining to me that my Tourette symptoms bothered her and she felt that she could no longer spend time with me.  I pretended for a years that I was not bothered by that.  I used all the excused I mentioned above to explain away my waning desire for social activities and the wall I began to erect between myself and others. But in reality and with brutal honesty I admit, I was, or correction, I am scared.  Scared of what?  Well, it wasn't so much that I lost a friend it was the reason I lost a friend, my mental illness.  My dark, dirty little secret. I have a mental illness.  True, I work, I parent, I do all sorts of things but I still have a mental illness. Yes, it does affect me at times. I twitch, I make silly sounds when I am anxious, etc.  One of my former co workers explained to me," You are an acquired taste."  She went on to explain that she had "acquired a taste" to be my friend.  So my point, is it not always easy for me to make friends because of my "quirkiness."

Now it can be argued that we are all quirky in our own ways.  This is true, I believe.  That is why I call this blog "Define Normal" because who is to say what normal is.  So here is the challenge. Is it really my disorder that keeps me from getting back on the wagon so to speak or is it my perception of how I think other's perceive me as the barrier?  If I were to make an unbiased guess I would say the latter.  It's how I see myself that keeps me from seeking friendships. My friends did not leave me, I left them.  I stopped calling them and declined to spend time with them using the "I am so tired excuse."  Looking back I would say that I was less than a loyal friend myself.

     So, as I tell my clients it is up to us to make the first steps in making changes (if we really want them).  My first step is to get over myself and stop blaming my mental health issues on the choices I make. My second step is to choose something I enjoy (which I have) to participate in.  I love to sing and I have a terrific voice so I am joining a community choir that starts in January, 2014.  I am also making a conscious effort to stay in touch with those people I care about.  It is fairly easy today to send a simple "text" message to someone to let them know you are thinking about them. I also am trying to be there as a supportive friend myself.  Recently, a friend was having some medical and mental health issues and I made sure I kept in touch and to let her know I was there for her.

     True, I am an acquired taste. Some people have decided I am worth the effort to acquire a taste.  For that I am grateful.  However, I have also learned that friendship is a two way street and you have to give of yourself, and don't walk away, for friendship should not be taken for granted.